Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

In the opening chapter of Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life, Dr. Emily Nagoski hints at the history surrounding female sexuality. In the Middle Ages, women’s genitals were called “pudendum” from the Latin pudere, meaning “to make ashamed.” Dr. Nagoski explains that the reasoning is that women’s genitals are “tucked away between their legs” (17). Shame, however, is the title of the history of Western female sexuality: Women’s sexual desire has been ignored and/or condemned in a history dominated by male power and dominance.

Ancient Greek culture introduced many ideas about sex to Western culture, including words like “eroticism” and “homosexuality,” revealing the prevalence of arousal and desire in Greek society. However, when it came to women and sex, attitudes were far less inclusive. Mythological heroes like Hercules were said to have slept with countless virgins, and the gods frequently performed acts of sexual violence, with women’s bodies exploited and tallied like objects. Marriages were rarely referred to as unions of love; instead, loving relationships were found outside of wedlock. Ancient Greek culture projected the idea that, for women, sex was only about producing children and never about pleasure. This cultural narrative ignored the many women who engaged in sexual relationships with other women—such as those who lived on the island of Lesbos with the poet Sappho, which served as the origin of the term “lesbian”—and the common use of dildos for female pleasure.

When the Romans became the European powerhouse, women’s lives did not improve. Romans viewed women as the property of men, and women could legally be killed by their husbands for adultery. The introduction of Christianity complicated matters further. Here was a new narrative that proposed that women were created to serve men; their submissive status was established by God from the inception of humanity. Christianity also placed an emphasis on purity. The origin story of Jesus was birth from a virgin, Mary, who was impregnated by the spirit of God, recalling comparable stories in Greek and Roman myths. Sex that was not performed for conception by a heterosexual married couple was considered sinful—including masturbation, anal sex, and oral sex.

Centuries later, the Victorians sold the propaganda of the ideal bourgeois wife, the “angel of the house” quietly tucked away in her family’s home. Victorians believed that women did not need to have sex more than once a month. The 19th century saw a rise in female “hysteria,” which was sometimes medicated via medicinal masturbation. As sex, especially female sex, became more restricted, society struggled to keep up with the waves of sexually transmitted diseases and dangerous, unregulated sex work. Lawmakers responded by cracking down on homosexuality, intercourse outside of marriage, and sex work. Instead, the culture praised the ideal—a pure virgin or a chaste wife and mother.

Despite much resistance by brave individuals, Victorian morality persisted until well into the 20th century. The “sexual revolution” of the 1960s ushered in widespread feminist campaigning in Western countries for access to contraception and legal abortion, as well as the challenging of traditional gender roles. More permissive divorce laws and more open representation of sexuality in the arts helped to create a more welcoming climate for female liberation and sexual experiences outside of marriage.

However, women today still fight for equality and a better understanding of female sexuality. These histories show how understandings of, and attitudes toward, sex are still often centered on straight male experience and desire. Western culture continues to unpack and challenge the historical moral narratives that inform biases, beliefs, and experiences of contemporary society. Scientists have discovered that the dual poles of “man” and “woman” are not fixed entities and that all humans have complicated and rich sexual lives. Dr. Nagoski shares this research in Come as You Are, advocating for a new narrative grounded in research and inclusivity.