Crave

“[I]f I’ve learn­ed an­y­thing in the month since my par­ents died, it’s just how lit­tle most things mat­ter.

Who cares who picks me up as long as I get to the school?

Who cares where I live if it’s not go­ing to be with my mom and dad?”

Grace’s maturity and outlook on life are shaped by her grief over her parents, as she alludes in this section. Unlike many other teens, she now doesn’t worry about details, only the bigger picture. Her view shows her well-developed characterization and her ability to learn, grow, and adapt.

“And there’s that fade-out again. It gets to me, just like it does eve­ry time. Usu­al­ly, I ig­nore it, but this time I can’t stop my­self from ask­ing, ‘Af­ter what?’

Just this once, I want some­one else to say it. May­be then it will feel more real and less like a night­mare.”

Here, Grace responds to Macy alluding to her parents’ death without saying the words. Grace wants someone to address their deaths directly, rather than shy away from the subject. She’s been in so much pain that she wants others to acknowledge it without pitying her. Grace shows regret and care though when she realizes Macy shouldn’t be her target since Macy has not experienced the same situation. Jaxon’s acknowledgment of Grace’s loss is one of the things that draws her toward him because they can share their grief.

“There’s not much to be afraid of when you’ve already lost everything that matters.”

Grace’s line of dialogue to Jaxon here showcases her lack of fear. She’s rarely afraid in the novel, which relates back to the idea that she’s endured so much loss, so more pain won’t break her. Her emotional, mental, and physical strength is embodied in this statement. At times, however, it leads her to act recklessly.

“And sud­den­ly it’s right there. All the thoughts I’d shoved aside for the past for­ty-eight hours, just to get through leav­ing. Just to get here. My par­ents, leav­ing San Die­go and my friends, that ri­dic­u­lous air­plane ride into Hea­ly. Macy’s ex­pec­ta­tions for our friend­ship, the way Jaxon looked at me and then didn’t look at me, the things he said to me. The ri­dic­u­lous amount of clothes I have to wear here to keep warm. The fact that I’m es­sen­tial­ly trapped in this cas­tle by the cold…

It all kind of melds to­geth­er into one great big car­ou­sel of fear and re­gret, whirl­ing through my brain. No thoughts are clear, no im­ages stand out from any of the oth­ers—only an over­whelm­ing feel­ing of im­pend­ing doom.”

Though she’s not often afraid, Grace does still panic, which makes her relatable and authentic. She’s overwhelmed by all the recent, drastic changes in her life and frustrated as she tries to grapple with her new reality and process the loss of her beloved parents.

“Not when all I can think about is kiss­ing that mouth, run­ning my tongue along the per­fect bow of his up­per lip, drag­ging his low­er lip be­tween my teeth and bit­ing down just a lit­tle bit.”

The romance theme is apparent in Grace’s thoughts when she imagines sensual scenarios between herself and Jaxon. The use of suspenseful, lush language with specific actions like Jaxon wrapping his arms around her and her tongue running along his lips creates a romantic fantasy; Grace’s inner thoughts give access to her craving for Jaxon with strong sensory imagery.

“…as I trace my fin­ger around the edges of a stick­er that reads, ‘I’m not a dam­sel in dis­tress; I’m a drag­on in a dress.’”

This simple sticker in the library foreshadows the supernatural creatures at Katmere. Dragons do exist, but Grace does not know that yet. She thinks the sticker is a funny saying from a fantasy book, which foreshadows the dragon, Flint, appearing. She is also akin to the dragon, as she often doesn’t want help from anyone and states she’s not a damsel in distress when Jaxon carries her after she sprains her ankle.

“‘I knew what you meant.’ [Lia] smiles sad­ly. ‘My boy­friend died sev­er­al months ago, and eve­ry­one thinks I should be over it. But we were to­geth­er a re­al­ly long time. It’s not that easy to just let him go. As I’m sure you know.’

[..] Lia and I just kind of stand there in the mid­dle of her dorm room for a se­cond, two peo­ple who look fine on the out­side but who are de­stroyed on the in­side. We don’t talk, don’t say an­y­thing at all. Just stay where we are and ab­sorb the fact that some­one else hurts as much as we do.”

Lia and Grace bonding over their grief brings them closer as friends. They don’t feel so alone after admitting they’re suffering, which brings them peace. Their developing friendship also distracts from the fact that Lia is an antagonist and plans to kill Grace.

“I start to crack a joke about al­ti­tude sick­ness not be­ing a vi­rus, but as he fol­lows the hand on my fore­head with a kiss to the top of my head, I get choked up. Be­cause right now, with his eye­brows fur­rowed and his mouth curled into a frown that only makes his dim­ples more ap­par­ent, Un­cle Finn looks so much like my dad that it takes eve­ry ounce of will­pow­er I have not to cry.”

“I start to crack a joke about al­ti­tude sick­ness not be­ing a vi­rus, but as he fol­lows the hand on my fore­head with a kiss to the top of my head, I get choked up. Be­cause right now, with his eye­brows fur­rowed and his mouth curled into a frown that only makes his dim­ples more ap­par­ent, Un­cle Finn looks so much like my dad that it takes eve­ry ounce of will­pow­er I have not to cry.”

“Ex­cept I keep re­mem­ber­ing the look on his face when he chased those guys away from me the first night. The way his pu­pils were all blown out when he touched my face and wiped the drop of blood from my lips.”

Grace reflects on Jaxon rescuing her, but her thoughts stray to romantic, suggestive ideas about Jaxon. Tracy Wolff conveys the intensity of these moments by using specific sensory details that make Grace’s feelings tangible.

“I don’t know what it is about [Jaxon], but every time I catch sight of him, I feel something tug at me that I can’t identify, something I have no ability to explain.”

Grace and Jaxon share a deep, unexplainable connection that Grace struggles to describe. Love isn’t easily distilled into one definition—and since Grace has never experienced the bliss of love and natural chemistry until now, she can’t describe her pull toward Jaxon.

“‘Everyone answers to me…eventually,’ [Jaxon says].

Oh. My. God. What an asshat.”

Jaxon’s arrogant, threatening side is evident when he tells Grace that everyone obeys him. Because she doesn’t know his history, she’s offended by his statement, as he doesn’t own her. Jaxon’s facade breaks down later, and this interaction alludes to Grace’s ongoing disobedience of him and their conflicts over her safety.

“Between the jerks I met the first night and then Jaxon and Lia, I’m beginning to think everyone in this place has some bizarre immunity to cold. Like maybe they’re aliens and I’m the ignorant and fragile human living among them.”

Grace’s thoughts humorously foreshadow the truth since she is the only human living among otherworldly creatures. Her reference to aliens is inaccurate, though the other students are foreign beings to her.

“I’m se­ri­ous. You need to be care­ful of him. If he re­al­ly was help­ful to you, it’s only be­cause he wants some­thing. And even that seems strange, be­cause Jaxon takes what he wants. Al­ways has, al­ways will.”

Here, Macy tries to deter Grace from being near Jaxon because she knows his history and reputation. Macy is surprised that Jaxon is caring toward Grace, especially because Grace is a human who cannot compare to Jaxon in any way.

“‘Yeah, well, you know me. All about the bra­va­do.’ I keep a firm grip on Macy’s arm as I start to ma­neu­ver around Jaxon and his friends.

‘Is that what you call it?’ Jaxon mur­murs in my ear as I slide past him. Once more, his warm breath is against the side of my neck, and a shiv­er that has noth­ing to do with the cold works its way down my spine.”

With the visceral descriptions of her body’s reactions to Jaxon, Grace conveys their natural chemistry. This passage also shows the gap between Grace’s words, actions, and true desires.

“‘I want [Cam] to look at me like it physically hurts him not to be touching me.’

‘Jaxon doesn’t look at me like that.’ I’m beginning to think it’s how I look at him, though.”

Macy changes her opinion of Jaxon when she sees his romantic side, which makes Grace more inclined to follow her craving for him. At this point, Grace is still not sure of Jaxon’s feelings about her, but she is aware how powerful her attraction is to him.

“I kind of like the idea of this Jaxon—the one who tells me vampire jokes and sends me waf­fles with fresh whipped cream—as my secret. At least for a little while.”

Grace wants to keep Jaxon’s sentimental side secret because it is something special he only shares with her. Their relationship is beginning to fill the emotional space left by Grace’s parents’ death, which makes her happy but also gives her something to lose. Ironically, at this point, Jaxon is also keeping his vampire identity secret, not just his more tenderhearted side.

“‘Twi­light? He sent me a copy of Twi­light?’ I turn to Macy in con­fu­sion.

Macy gasps as she stares from the book to me. And then she starts to laugh. And laugh. And laugh.”

Sending Grace a copy of Twilight is Wolff’s homage to the worldwide sensation that caused a resurgence in YA vampire romance. The book is a fitting symbol that relates perfectly to Grace’s current paranormal romance with Jaxon though she doesn’t know his vampire identity. Macy’s laughter offers readers a clue that the Twilight book is a deeper symbol.

“Deep down, I’m not different from you.”

Jaxon’s note shows that all of humanity shares the same basic needs and desires. Even though he’s a vampire, he still requires sustenance, a social life, and love, just like anyone. He wants to connect with Grace and be seen as similar to her rather than as an “other.”

“And no way am I going to become a prisoner in my own school.”

Grace’s feisty temperament is revealed in snarky, casual lines like this in which she admits frustrations. The Alaskan wilderness is dangerous, but she refuses to let her environment control her.

“‘Have you ever wanted some­thing so much that you were afraid to take it?’

‘Yes.’ He nods. […] I tilt my head up un­til our eyes meet, and then I whisper, ‘What did you do?’

For long se­conds, he doesn’t say an­y­thing. He doesn’t do an­y­thing. He just stares back at me with a look in his eyes as scarred and bro­ken as the rest of him. And says, ‘I de­cid­ed to take it an­y­way.’”

This dialogue precedes their first kiss, highlighting the inherent danger in their romance. Grace’s question has a double meaning for Jaxon; the “scarred and broken” look in his eyes recalls his killing of Hudson for the greater good. Love and death are often intertwined in Gothic romances, as they are for Grace and Jaxon here.

“If Marise didn’t give me a cou­ple of shots in the neck, then this has to be a prac­ti­cal joke. Jaxon has to be mess­ing with me. He has to be. There is no oth­er rea­son­a­ble ex­pla­na­tion.”

Multiple clues lead to the big reveal of supernatural creatures at Katmere, with this moment adding the last piece of evidence to Grace’s suspicion. Although she tries to convince herself otherwise, the bites do end up being from a vampire.

“He shoves both hands into his hair in ob­vi­ous frus­tra­tion. ‘Are you okay? Are you in shock?’

‘I’m fine. It’s you I’m wor­ried about.’

‘Me? I—’He breaks off and just stares at me, speech­less, as he reg­is­ters that I very de­lib­er­ate­ly mim­icked his words. ‘I just ter­ror­ized the en­tire school. Why the hell are you wor­ried about me?’

‘Be­cause you don’t ex­act­ly look hap­py about it, now, do you?’

‘There’s noth­ing to be hap­py about.’

And that, right there, is ex­act­ly why I’m not afraid of him.”

Grace’s caring for Jaxon and refusal to be bullied into feeling scared are key components of her character. She knows that Jaxon is a good person because he doesn’t take pleasure in hurting others even when he deems it necessary for survival, protection, or justice.

“‘I gave you my blood, be­cause you were go­ing to die with­out it.’ I take his face in my hands and look him straight in the eye so he can see that I mean what I’m say­ing. ‘And the truth is, it wasn’t a sac­ri­fice. It was as self­ish as I could get, be­cause now that I’ve found you, I’m not okay with be­ing in a world where you don’t ex­ist.’

For long se­conds, he still doesn’t say an­y­thing. Then he shakes his head, swears. ‘What am I sup­posed to say to that, Grace?’

‘Say you be­lieve me. Say you know it’s not your fault. Say—’

‘I love you.’

I gasp, then let out a slow, shud­der­ing breath as tears I don’t even try to hide bloom in my eyes. ‘Or you could say that. You could very def­i­nite­ly say that.’”

Love and sacrifice go hand-in-hand, as Grace shows in this section by admitting that she gave all she could to save Jaxon. The moment’s high melodrama breaks with Grace’s response to Jaxon’s confession of love, which is in keeping with her straightforward, irreverent character.