Finding Me: A Memoir

Viola was born on August 11, 1965, in her maternal grandparents’ house on the Singleton Plantation in South Carolina. She would be the fifth of six children; her mother, Mae, was the oldest of 18. Mae left school in eighth grade partly because she got pregnant, but more so because she was constantly beaten to the point of bleeding. The abuse she endured resulted from her teacher’s internalized colorism: a light-skinned Black woman, she disliked Mae because she “was dark-skinned, came from the country, the backwoods, and had nappy hair” (13). Mae went on to marry and have multiple children: Viola’s brother John Henry was born when Mae was 15, followed by Dianne, Anita, Deloris, and Viola over the course of the next seven years; Danielle was born 11 years after Viola. Deloris was also the name of one of Mae’s own siblings who died in a home fire as a newborn. Three-year-old Mae, left unsupervised, had been playing with matches, and a rug caught fire. Mae had the sense to grab her younger brother Jimmy and run, but she couldn’t get to infant Deloris in time, and the baby died of smoke inhalation. Mae was blamed and beaten for the death, despite being so young herself. Mae grew up to be a strong and assertive person, especially as a mother. She fought for welfare reform in the 1970s, was arrested, and even went on to speak at Brown University. She did, however, end up in an abusive marriage, after having experienced sexual abuse herself.

Viola’s father, Dan Davis, was an abusive husband for many years. His education ended at second grade, but he learned how to read later in life with the help of a friend who taught him to do so using billboards. Dan ran away from home at 15, after having endured years of abuse, and began to work as a horse groomer. Despite grooming some of the greatest racehorses around the country, Dan confessed to hating the work. Viola remembers how Dan’s demeanor would change around the horse owners, when they would come in and direct him how to groom: “It was almost as though he was a slave and they were masters” (20). Dan was much more than just his job: He was musical, and he loved soul, jazz, and the blues; he also played the guitar and the harmonica and was a great storyteller. However, being a horse groomer barely provided a living wage. The frustration of this, combined with his past experiences that led him to run away from home, found expression in alcoholism and a deep rage.

During Viola’s childhood, Dan has open affairs, and despite Mae’s knowledge of them, she was raised with values and beliefs about marriage that disallow her from leaving her husband despite infidelity and abuse. She continues to be deeply loyal to Dan; she herself never indulges in any extramarital relationships, despite confessing to Viola that she once fell in love with her obstetrician. Viola reflects on how both of her parents were “running away from bad memories […] [neither] had tools to approach the world to find peace or joy” (26-27). Mae was a gambler, while Dan was an alcoholic who violently beat Mae. Despite Dan’s behavior, Viola was always assured of his love for her; she recognizes that “his love and his demons were fighting for space within, and sometimes the demons won” (27).

An experience that becomes one of Viola’s defining memories happens when she is 14. During one of her parents’ fights, Dan picks up a glass and begins threatening to “bust yo’ head open, Mae Alice” (28). He smashes the glass on the side of Mae’s head, and she begins to bleed profusely. A teenage Viola, with her baby sister Danielle in hand, has finally had enough; she yells at her father to stop and give her the glass, even as she is “immersed in fear” at standing up to her father. Dan eventually gives her the glass and walks away. This particular memory is an important one to Viola, as it made her realize she had it in her to break out of her parents’ patterns and live a different life: “That fight marked the beginning of my shift” (30).

The family moves to Central Falls, Rhode Island, a couple of months after Viola’s birth, taking Deloris, Anita, and Viola with them; John and Dianne are left behind with Mae’s parents. The family moves to Central Falls for Dan’s work, as two of the biggest racetracks are in Rhode Island: Lincoln Downs and Narragansett.

Viola and her family live in extreme poverty in Central Falls. They almost never have a phone, hot water, or gas; food stamps don’t stretch far enough; the places they live in have terrible plumbing with toilets that don’t usually work, forcing them to go unwashed for days. Without heat, they have only cold water, and they rarely have towels, soap, or shampoo. A neighborhood store owner, a Syrian man named Gabe Antar, is extremely kind to the family, often extending a line of credit when they don’t have enough money to buy supplies. However, Mae and Dan often ask for monetary loans, sending the children to collect the money from Gabe; Viola and Deloris are constantly embarrassed by this, and Viola recalls their relationship with Gabe being wrapped up in kindness and gratitude but also shame. However, they are left with little choice: “When you’re clutching to live, morals go out the window” (33).

One of the family’s first apartments is at 128 Washington Street, and the term “128” soon becomes a codeword for “hell” between her and her sisters. Unstable wiring makes the building unsafe, with frequent fires breaking out, and the place is infested with rats; at night, they come out and eat everything, including the faces of the children’s dolls. The mayor, Mayor Bessette, seemingly generously allows the family to live in the apartment for free; he even knocks down a wall between the Davises’ apartment and the neighboring one, creating a makeshift doorway and giving them some more room. However, the building has been condemned and will be torn down in a year’s time to build a school.

Two years after moving to Central Falls, Mae grows tired of hearing stories of Dianne and John being beaten at school, and the family begins to save and prepare to bring them to Central Falls. They finally arrive when Viola is five and Dianne is nine. When Dianne is taken to be enrolled in the local school, her reading and academic skills are so  far below standard that she is refused admission to the fourth grade. However, she promises her teacher, Mr. Fortin, that if he works with her every day after school, she will catch up and prove that she is on par with her grade level. Mr. Fortin agrees, and Dianne resolves to come home and teach her younger siblings everything she learns so that they will be ahead in their own classes. She is true to her word, and Viola soon becomes mischievous in school because she is bored; she has already learned everything being taught in class, courtesy of Dianne.

Dianne has a profound impact on Viola’s life. Viola recalls meeting her for the first time when Dianne arrives in Central Falls and feeling immediate love between the sisters. Dianne asks Viola whether she wants to continue living like this, in poverty; she encourages Viola to decide what she wants to be and work hard toward it, to escape the same fate as their parents. Thus, the idea of achieving something becomes Viola’s raison d’être, and she believes that success will be able to “detox” her past. This becomes Viola’s mission, and Dianne is her “supernatural ally” along the way.

School becomes Viola and her sisters’ haven, particularly Dianne’s; they love going to school. One winter, with no heat, electricity, or gas, they have no running water because the water pipes freeze. They are unable to flush the toilet or even wash themselves, which is necessary because they are all extreme bed-wetters. The children initially stay home from school, until Dianne finally announces that she is leaving. Mae and the rest of the children take a walk to try to warm up, and as they walk by their school, Mrs. Prosser, the principal, sees them and inquires why the children aren’t in school. She is moved to tears when she hears their plight and asks if there is anything she can do.

Viola recalls that period in her life as being “filled with shame” (44). Their apartment, 128, only adds to this feeling. The building catches fire multiple times. Once, when she is in first grade, the fire is visible from the classroom window; Viola remembers being ashamed to see her classmates, who already think less of her for being Black, now witnessing her house burning. When another fire breaks out one night, their next-door neighbor Millie bangs on the door to alert Dan and Mae to get the children out. They all must jump out the fire escape because the stairs are clogged with smoke, but at the last minute Viola freezes. Mae makes an almost superhuman jump to reach Viola and drag her down, and Viola is reprimanded by her sisters for hesitating.

Over the years, the fires become more frequent, the rats multiply, and the living conditions at 128 continue to worsen in multiple ways. Through it all, the one thing that keeps Viola going is Dianne’s question to her: “What do you want to be?” (48).

A family of eight kids, named the Thompsons, move in next door; they are accompanied by two guardians, women whom the Davises nickname the “Bullfrogs” for their appearance. The Thompson children continuously harass Viola and her sisters. One day, Mae finally has enough. After the Thompson girls hit Deloris, Mae comes out and begins yelling at the girls; one of them, Lisa, calls Mae a “bald-headed Black bitch,” and Mae proceeds to slap Lisa hard, warning her to stay away from Mae’s children.

The Bullfrogs decide to press charges, and Dan is worried that Mae will be fined or jailed; however, a still-angry Mae is unbothered by this, insisting that she will tell the judge the truth. When the hearing finally arrives, Dan urges Mae not to react or talk back, but Mae does not heed his advice. When she is called on, she goes on a rant about the Thompson children harassing her own and explains that she slapped Lisa because Lisa called her names. In an unlikely turn of events, the judge understands Mae’s situation, and he lets her go. For the next several weeks, insults and threats are traded back and forth between the Davises and the Thompsons, until one day Dan storms out with a baseball bat and threatens to beat the Thompsons if the harassment continues. Following this final confrontation, the tension subsides, and the two sets of children even go on to become good friends over time. Mae runs into Lisa many years later, and Lisa apologizes for her earlier behavior. She confesses to Mae that she and the other children were kidnapped by the Bullfrogs, who were committing welfare fraud; the children were frequently sexually and physically abused by the two women.

Viola also remembers another set of neighbors, three young boys named James, Bobby, and Frank who become her best friends. Their father, Tommy, is a bad-tempered man who abuses their mother, who has cerebral palsy. Following an altercation between Tommy and Dan after Tommy forbids his kids to play with Viola, Tommy poisons and kills the Davises’ dog, Coley. All these incidents contribute to Viola’s feeling that Central Falls is both her home and a minefield, where she is “constantly trying to dodge little and big explosions that could level you while trying to occupy space in it to be somebody” (59-60).

Viola sees the actor Cecily Tyson in The Autobiography of Miss Jane Pittman on TV and “experienced the true power of artistry. At that moment, I found my calling” (62). Shortly after this, she participates in a skit with her sisters as part of a contest in Jenks Park; the winners are promised a prize and a profile in the paper.

Dianne takes charge of the process, and each sister is given a different responsibility: writing, directing, producing, acting. They create an original skit based on Monty Hall’s Let’s Make a Deal. The rehearsals are focused and intense, with Dianne making the sisters work hard. Despite Viola’s immense stage fright, she participates, threatened by her sisters not to “flake out.” The skit receives a standing ovation and is announced the winner, and Viola remembers the power of the adoration: “winning was…an instant protection and smoke screen to hide the fact that I was simply scared all the time” (65).