72 pages • 2 hours read
“Wednesday, February 10th, 2016”
Griffin decides he won’t see Theo while he’s in town because Jackson came with him. Wade tries to convince Griffin to celebrate Theo’s birthday anyway, but Griffin won’t budge. Wade reminds Griffin that Griffin broke up with Theo. Griffin is still mad that Theo moved on so quickly. Wade reminds Griffin that Griffin and Theo said their breakup wouldn’t hurt the squad. Griffin doesn’t care. Wade still plans to go tonight.
Griffin calls Theo later while looking at the puzzle portrait Wade made. Theo asks if they’ll hang out tomorrow. Griffin considers it until he hears Jackson and Theo’s mother laughing in the background. He cuts the call short.
“Tuesday, May 17th, 2016”
It’s late at night on Griffin’s birthday. Theo hasn’t called, but he’s posted a photo of himself and Jackson on Instagram. Griffin knows this isn’t Theo getting revenge for Griffin missing Theo’s birthday because they’ve talked through that. Theo’s gift arrived in the mail today. Wade, who brought Griffin cupcakes, encourages Griffin to open Theo’s present before his birthday ends. He leaves to give Griffin privacy.
Inside is a pair of boots and a thoughtful card warning Griffin to wear them for the apocalypse. Griffin loves them, but he questions his ability to trust Theo in the apocalypse if Theo can’t call on his birthday.
“Thursday, June 30th, 2016”
Theo is in town for a few days without Jackson. When Griffin hugs him, Theo feels different and wrong. Theo hugs both Griffin and Wade but holds Wade a little closer. Theo is happy to see Griffin wearing the boots.
Theo avoids talking about Jackson while he’s around Wade and Griffin, but Griffin still feels Jackson’s presence making things awkward. The boys talk about colleges. Wade plans to stay in New York. Griffin says he’s applying to Santa Monica College. Theo is supportive but in a nonpersonal way. Griffin bites his tongue. While Wade and Theo have a normal, comfortable conversation, Griffin feels left out.
Griffin asks for 10 minutes to talk to Theo alone. Theo sets a timer. Griffin asks if they’re still endgame. Theo doesn’t know. Griffin asks if Theo loves him. Theo does, but he also loves Jackson. Theo is still confused because Griffin broke up with him. Griffin asks if he should bow out. Theo doesn’t know. He feels selfish asking Griffin to wait for him, but he doesn’t want to not have Griffin there. Theo asks if Griffin has someone else. Griffin says no. Griffin asks if Theo will leave Jackson when Griffin gets into SMC. Theo says he will. They kiss passionately until Theo’s timer goes off, and both boys return to Wade, acting like nothing happened. Griffin feels he’s made a small victory.
“Thursday, August 11th, 2016”
Wade and Griffin sit on the floor of Wade’s room. Griffin asks if Wade thinks Griffin did the right thing by breaking up with Theo. Wade does, but he understands Griffin disagrees. When Griffin is honest with himself, he regrets it every minute. Griffin believes Theo is killing time with Jackson. He tells Wade about his tryst with Theo in June. Wade thinks Theo is wrong to make Griffin wait.
Griffin broke up with Theo because he didn’t want Theo to break up with him first. He wanted control over their outcome. Griffin wishes he were the one who almost got hit by a car so Theo would fear life without him. Wade reveals that Theo got a private dorm room this semester so he could have Jackson over more. Wade doesn’t think Theo is being honest with Griffin about how serious he and Jackson are. Griffin is hurt.
Wade comforts Griffin. He thinks Griffin treats Theo too well and wants him to stop putting Theo on a pedestal. Wade hugs Griffin and then kisses him unexpectedly. Griffin is shocked but enjoys it. He doesn’t have feelings for Wade, though. Wade apologizes, but then they kiss again because Griffin is so thankful Wade is looking out for him. They have sex. Afterward, Griffin leaves, feeling ashamed. He knows he can never tell Theo about sleeping with Wade.
“Wednesday, August 31st, 2016”
Griffin continues having sex with Wade, but it’s impersonal for him. He goes to Wade whenever he feels jealous of Theo and Jackson, like when Theo posts a photo of them. Wade wants Griffin to talk to him more. He knows there are things unsaid in their sudden sexual relationship. It hasn’t felt like friendship since things changed.
When they finally talk, Griffin asks about Wade’s sexuality. Wade came out to Theo last year, but he hasn’t really worked on titles yet. He didn’t tell Griffin because he had feelings for Griffin. He hates watching Griffin be hurt over Theo all this time. Wade wants what Theo and Griffin had, but he’s scared of messing up their friendship. Griffin doesn’t tell Wade that he’s using Wade for revenge against Theo. Griffin will never want to be more than friends with Wade.
“Thursday, September 8th, 2016”
Griffin and Wade go to laser tag for Wade’s birthday. Griffin feels he’s there with the wrong person. Nevertheless, they have a great time. They haven’t been having as much sex lately. Theo tries to Facetime Wade, but Wade screens the call, planning to call Theo back later. He and Griffin are having too much fun.
“Saturday, September 24th, 2016”
Wade and Griffin are out together. Griffin is recovering from a phone call from Theo, who said Jackson wants to forbid Theo from talking to Griffin. Theo said no, and that caused a fight. Wade thinks Theo will eventually stop trying to appease both boys and choose Jackson. Griffin doesn’t want to hear it.
Wade confronts Griffin. He’s mad Griffin won’t try to move on. He can see how tortured Griffin is by waiting for Theo. Griffin asks why Wade cares. Wade draws attention to Griffin’s Cedric Diggory keychain and the poster collage he made for Griffin. He’s always cared deeply about Griffin and his happiness.
Griffin grows to appreciate Wade in his life. He can’t promise to let go of Theo but will try to be more for Wade. It will take time. Wade is okay with that.
“Sunday, November 13th, 2016"
Wade and Griffin are hanging out. Wade wants to know when they can make things official. Griffin wants to talk to Theo first. Wade agrees to wait one more day. When Griffin leaves, he puts on his new boots. He no longer wears the ones Theo got him.
At home, Griffin calls Theo, but Theo doesn’t answer. He leaves a voicemail saying they need to talk about their endgame.
“Saturday, December 17th, 2016”
Griffin has now confessed everything to Theo about his involvement with Wade. He believes he could fall in love with Wade. What started as revenge for Theo moving on turned into Griffin moving on too. Griffin had finally found the strength to drop his endgame plan with Theo on the day Theo died.
Griffin goes to Wade’s building. He hopes Wade won’t turn him away. He catches Wade taking out the trash. Wade is happy to see Griffin, and they hug. Wade invites Griffin in with his mother’s permission. He’s in trouble right now because he’s been skipping school in his grief. He misses Griffin and Theo.
Griffin apologizes for being selfish and ignoring Wade. Wade wants to know what he and Griffin are. They agree to be friends for now. Wade says he doesn’t want to know about Jackson. Griffin muses over what love means to him. He apologizes and tells Wade about the trip to California, omitting the Jackson intimacy. Now Griffin isn’t talking to Jackson because he knows it’s unhealthy. He regrets not being there for Wade.
Griffin and Wade exchange Theo stories until Griffin must go home. He promises Wade he won’t disappear again. They make plans to visit Theo’s family.
“Monday, December 19th, 2016”
While Theo’s parents are doing last minute Christmas shopping, Griffin and Wade are babysitting Denise. Theo’s mom is thankful that Griffin was kind to Jackson. Griffin thinks about the role he and Jackson played in Theo’s death. He feels guilty, like he’s a dangerous person.
Wade and Griffin indulge Denise in all the games and activities she wants, including a puzzle. When they finish, Wade laments breaking down a puzzle after working so hard to make it. Griffin recalls saving some of the puzzles he and Theo did. Wade thinks it’s pointless to do a puzzle without keeping it, but Griffin disagrees. He thinks you gain experience and wisdom from them regardless. Denise requests a dance party, and all three of them let loose and dance. It’s silly, and all three of them desperately needed this joy.
Jackson texts Griffin asking a theoretical question about Griffin’s compulsions. Griffin is put off. He ignores it. Later, Wade and Denise fall asleep watching movies on the couch. Griffin peeks through Theo’s bedroom door. Wade wakes up and shakes his head in disappointment.
“Sunday, December 25th, 2016”
At Griffin’s aunt’s house, Griffin’s grandmother once again asks if Theo is coming and wants to see Theo’s animations. Griffin doesn’t tell her Theo is dead because he likes the idea that Theo is still alive for her. He shows her the animations, even though it’s hard for him to watch them for the first time since Theo’s death.
Later, Wade and Griffin meet up. Wade keeps walking on Griffin’s left, no matter how much Griffin tries to maintain his spot. Wade is intentionally testing Griffin’s compulsions. Griffin says it’s serious, and Wade rebuts that he’s serious. Griffin allows Wade to walk on the left for a bit. If he tries to ignore it, it isn’t so bad. He asks Wade for a story. Wade tells about a time he got locked out of his house after participating in a Gatorade chugging competition. He peed himself. Griffin and Wade make it all the way to Wade’s building with Wade on the left.
Inside, Wade tests Griffin more. He knows Griffin likes to listen to songs on repeat, so he puts Griffin’s most listened songs on shuffle and forces him to listen. Griffin has memories attached to each one, some with Theo and some with Wade. Wade stops after five songs. Griffin asks for a sixth, but Wade denies him. Wade has tested three of Griffin’s compulsions. Griffin tries to work his mental logic to find a way to feel secure. Wade reassures Griffin that he’s okay.
Griffin confesses that Theo made him feel special for having the quirks and compulsions, and he feared that if he got over them, he wouldn’t be special to Theo. Wade tells Griffin that his thinking is unhealthy, and the compulsions are limiting him. Griffin knows. He promises Wade he’ll continue to try these exercises. He’s thankful that Wade cares about him and wants to help him.
Griffin confesses to Wade about sleeping with Jackson. Wade already assumed Griffin did. He knows Griffin makes bad choices when he’s in a bad place. Griffin explains why he slept with Jackson—because of the special kisses. He mentions that he wanted Theo to see him have sex with Jackson. Wade is confused and concerned to hear that Griffin has talked to Theo constantly since he died. He’s upset that he feels like he’s still competing with Theo.
Griffin wanted to confess to Wade about the voicemail, but Wade is upset and wants Griffin to leave. Griffin feels he constantly sabotages himself.
“Wednesday, December 28th, 2016”
Griffin and Jackson voice call. Jackson tries to time his pickup on four rings for Griffin, but there are five rings on Griffin’s side. Jackson wants to try again when he learns he got it wrong, but Griffin wants to move on. They apologize for having sex. Griffin confesses to Jackson that the kisses were a special thing from his childhood, and Jackson knowing them made him angry. Griffin catches Jackson up on what’s going on with Wade. Wade is ignoring Griffin’s calls and texts. Griffin and Jackson agree to stay in touch.
“Thursday, December 29th, 2016”
Griffin can’t get Wade to answer his phone. He’s really messed things up.
“Friday, December 30th, 2016”
Griffin knocks on Wade’s door. Wade is inside but won’t come out. Wade’s mother tells Griffin that Wade isn’t home.
“Sunday, December 31st, 2016”
Griffin calls Wade to leave a message and say goodbye, assuming Wade is done with him for good. Wade picks up and agrees to talk to Griffin. Wade comes to Griffin’s house, where Griffin’s parents are drinking and celebrating. They break away to Griffin’s room for privacy.
Griffin apologizes for letting his love for Theo impact their relationship. He confesses to Wade about the voicemail intended to clear their relationship with Theo and how it caused Theo to go into the ocean. Wade says it’s messed up that Griffin blames himself for Theo’s death.
Wade apologizes for his reaction to Jackson and Griffin’s closeness. He was jealous and overreacted. Griffin wants to try to build things with Wade if Wade will be patient with him. He wants to be careful. Wade agrees. They kiss at midnight.
“Wednesday, January 4th, 2017”
Jackson is in town. He, Griffin, and Wade visit Theo’s family. Wade was standoffish to Jackson at first but calmed down. Griffin and Jackson confess to Theo’s parents their roles in Theo’s death. Theo’s parents reassure them that they cannot dwell on what-ifs, and they’ve had similar regrets. Theo’s mom says that the guilt comes from a place of love.
Theo’s mom encourages them to live for Theo and love for Theo and not to feel guilty moving on when the time is right. Jackson isn’t thinking about that, but Griffin and Wade hold hands. Theo’s parents react positively. All three boys are their extended children.
Jackson plans to go to Theo’s grave alone. He needs some time, just him and Theo. Before they part, Griffin thanks Jackson for all the support. They promise to stay in touch.
“Saturday, January 6th, 2017”
Wade helps Griffin catch up with homework. Griffin is back in school. They lie on Griffin’s bed and work while the playlist shuffles. Griffin is looking forward to seeing a new psychiatrist that day. He hopes he can share more and not feel so anxious.
As Wade walks Griffin to the appointment, Griffin confesses to wanting to regain some control of his life. He’s thankful Wade pushed him to confront his compulsions and his feelings for Theo. He switches to Wade’s right side.
“Sunday, November 13th, 2016”
Griffin places a box of Theo’s things in his closet. He’s ready to move on with Wade. His phone rings. He’s expecting a hard conversation with Theo, but it’s Theo’s mom, informing Griffin that Theo died.
Griffin runs outside into the snow and considers hurling himself in front of a car. He knows Theo wouldn’t want him to, but he can’t imagine a world without Theo.
“Sunday, January 7th, 2017”
Griffin visits Theo’s grave. He’s ready to say goodbye. His psychiatrist is treating his OCD and has diagnosed him with a delusional disorder. Griffin hates acknowledging that Theo isn’t listening and never learned the truth about Griffin and Wade.
Griffin will always love Theo. He worries about trying to piece together puzzles with other people and reaching for Theo’s pieces. He knows it’s not fair, and he wants to be with Wade. He wants to have new experiences. He plans to be honest with himself and others now.
Griffin leaves Theo’s hoodie wrapped around the grave. He is happy about the time he had with Theo. Before leaving, he asks Theo if he made any mistakes retelling their history.
The final chapters of the novel feature many revelations about Griffin’s relationship with Wade, including things he’s previously lied about to Theo in his “Today” narration. These chapters fill in the final empty gaps of Griffin and Theo’s timeline and tie up all the novel’s main themes and symbols.
Wade’s surprising closeness to and feelings for Griffin are foreshadowed throughout the novel in the past and present narratives. In the past, Wade showed minute attention to detail with his gifts for Griffin, getting his favorite Harry Potter character right and creating a detailed puzzle collage for Griffin. In the present, Wade has made consistent attempts at communication with Griffin and remains patient with Griffin’s grief-based decision-making. Therefore, the slow revelation of Wade’s feelings for Griffin as he encourages Griffin to let go of Theo and move on in Chapter 24 is a natural progression of Wade’s feelings for Griffin, as hinted in previous chapters.
Griffin’s handling of his relationship with Wade, both in the past and in the present, deals heavily with the Grief and Moving On theme. In Chapter 24, Wade helps Griffin get through his grief over Theo moving on, culminating in Griffin choosing to call Theo and tell him about his relationship with Wade on the day of Theo’s death. In Chapter 25, Wade helps Griffin push through his compulsions and let go of Theo once again by being there for him to give him tough love. Being around Wade is good for Griffin. In Chapter 24, he tells Wade, “I want to be more for you, but it’s going to take time” (251), and he promises to put forth an effort to move past Theo. In Chapter 25, Wade and Griffin manage to grab some happiness together by looking after Denise and dancing with her. Later that same evening, when Wade catches Griffin peeking into Theo’s room, Wade looks “disappointed or annoyed. […] [A]nd he shakes his head gently” (266). Wade’s presence is both a passive and active influence on Griffin’s grief, with Griffin healing from being around someone he cares about and Wade expressing tough love when Griffin needs it.
Wade’s tough love extends beyond Griffin’s grief over Theo. When they meet on Christmas, Wade tests three of Griffin’s compulsions to give him exposure and proves that the world won’t end if he’s on the right side or interacts with odd numbers. Griffin observes, “It’s an empowering feeling I never felt with [Theo], not with my compulsions, at least” (272) after facing them and being okay. Wade expresses that Griffin’s compulsions aren’t healthy. Griffin realizes Wade is right, that his compulsions are “not controlling. Limiting” (273) Griffin’s life. Griffin promises Wade he’ll continue to try exposure therapy, and by the end of the chapter, Griffin is willingly switching to walking on Wade’s right side.
Griffin’s struggle with his compulsions ties into the theme of Needing Control Versus Accepting Help. Griffin is initially attached to his compulsions because he thought he’d stop being special in Theo’s eyes if he didn’t have them. During his time with Theo and with Jackson, not only was Griffin ruled by his compulsions, but his partners were also. Theo and Jackson frequently try to accommodate Griffin and make it easier for him to obey his compulsive thought patterns. On the other hand, Wade’s approach challenges Griffin to heal himself and work on managing his compulsions rather than allowing them to control his life. The dichotomy between Wade’s treatment of Griffin and Jackson and Theo’s treatment of Griffin develops the theme by showing how different approaches impact Griffin’s internal battle with his own psyche.
These chapters also prove Griffin to be an unreliable narrator. In the “History” chapters, Griffin frequently lies to make Theo happy. However, in the “Today” chapters, Griffin is narrating things directly to Theo, hinting that he might not always be telling the truth based on his history of lying to Theo, demonstrating that Griffin’s Lying to Make Others Happy, even if the other is deceased. This is proven in Chapter 24, when Griffin reveals that he spent a lot of time with Wade in the months leading up to Theo’s death, despite telling Theo in Chapter 5, “I haven’t been speaking to [Wade] as much over the past couple months” (27), concealing the entire relationship Griffin and Wade built, as revealed in Chapter 24. Griffin also refrained from telling Wade that he had sex with Jackson because he knew that would upset Wade.
Finally, these chapters finish developing the symbolism of Theo’s hoodie and puzzles. Puzzles show up in both Chapter 25 and Chapter 27. In Chapter 25, Griffin and Wade assemble a puzzle while rebuilding their relationship. They discuss the merits of saving a puzzle versus putting it back in the box when it’s done. While Wade feels “it’s a waste of time if you don’t” (264) keep a puzzle completed, Griffin believes, “You still take some experience away with each puzzle” (264). Here, puzzles symbolize relationships, and Griffin’s attitude shows that he’s beginning to accept that things can be good even if they don’t last forever.
Griffin brings up puzzles again in the final chapter as he addresses Theo at Theo’s grave. He worries that if he dates someone new, “while I’m piecing together that new puzzle, […] I’ll find myself reaching for you-shaped pieces” (289). The puzzles in this quote symbolize how Griffin doesn’t want to constantly be building his future relationships in the same mold as the relationship he made with Theo. Griffin also leaves Theo’s hoodie behind in this chapter, abandoning it at Theo’s grave. This gesture symbolizes Griffin letting go of his attachment to Theo and choosing to stop dwelling on the relationship they never got to rekindle. This chapter emphasizes the theme of Grief and Moving On by showing how moving on is an active choice one must make when grief becomes unhealthy.
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By Adam Silvera