Home Is Not a Country

“nima meaning grace it would be funny

if it weren’t cruel i stumble over my own overlarge

feet & knock over the clay incense holder its coal

burning a perfect circle into the wooden table i brush

an uncoordinated elbow past the counter & the tray

holding tea for guests a full set of dishes

teapot & milk jug & sugar bowl & saucers

& matching cups painted

with tiny flowers goes crashing to the tiled floor

i trip on the carpet’s hem & fall chipping a tiny corner

of my bottom front tooth & in calling my name

in exasperation my mother calls

for the grace i don’t have”

Nima presents the meaning of her name, which is grace. Her clumsiness makes her name ironic. This description contrasts with later depictions of Nima as a dancer in her mother’s eyes. Because of this contrast, it is evident that the irony is only from Nima’s perspective, which reinforces the negative self-perception she possesses.

“even when he calls me the nostalgia monster

he makes it sound like a compliment

full of affection & pure joy has never

made me feel that there is anything wrong with me at all”

This is an early description of the relationship between Nima and Haitham. Even though his nickname for her is teasing, it is given with love. Around Haitham, Nima can be herself. Haitham is a version of “home” for Nima, although she does not realize it yet.

“& in the mirror i try to unknot the hair tangled at my neck

& of course there’s no point i give up & stare

into my blurring reflection my body filled

with strange static & see only a smudge where my nose

& mouth should be only the eyes

large & blinking & intact & when i blink again it’s back

the same unremarkable face”

After hearing her mother talk with Khaltu Amal, Nima dislikes her reflection in the mirror. This moment obscures the line between reality and magic. Literally, her tears blur her vision and when she blinks them away, she can see clearly. However, when Nima feels like an outsider, she senses a static energy and shimmers. The magical element emphasizes that not only is she self-effacing, but she does not feel whole or worthy.

“(my mother will not talk about it except to say

there was a car an accident) in the dream

he never gets into the car stays home instead reading

poems aloud to my mother rubbing almond oil into

her already-soft feet sitting for hours on the front steps

of their house pointing to the moon’s perfect reflection

in the river below in the dream he stays alive stays

alive alive stays alive to meet me”

Nima’s coping mechanism in her dreams is to imagine a perfect life with both parents, even before she was born. The moon often symbolizes nurturing and motherly care, but in this case, its presence suggests a need for a father’s love too. Its “perfect” reflection indicates that she prefers love from two parents, not just one who is sad and overworked.

“they both briefly look back & he calls out

sorry! & over the noise of the group returning

to its chatter i hear the girl say as i bend

to crush everything back into my bag i don’t think

she speaks english”

When two classmates bump into Nima, her backpack spills. Although it seems like a kind interaction because the boy apologizes, it is not. The girl does not explicitly call her a derogatory name or physically hurt her, but her assumption that Nima cannot speak English is a racist microaggression that underscores the belief that Nima does not belong, even if the girl does not intend it that way.

“i look down at my hands warping underwater he’s right

there’s something weird about me my body filled

with an unfamiliar current my hands flitting in

& out of focus even when i blink & look again

i lift the left one out of the bathwater to study in the light

translucent as my mother’s best chiffon i try to touch

the bathtub & both hands pass through the ceramic”

Nima sits in the bathtub after an argument with Haitham when she feels a static current and shimmers as if she were see-through. This ghostlike state is associated with Nima’s lack of belonging, which she references when she thinks that Haitham is correct to call her “weird.” When she feels this the most, she lacks a solid form as a person. This is a manifestation of her struggle to fit in.

“no way would my son varsity honor roll

his permanent record my son my son

an emotional time you know, of course,

that his father’s a pilot? says she screamed at them

in her language menacing so of course, you understand

you understand thank you exactly

I knew you’d understand”

Nima overhears her attackers’ mothers defending their sons. Although not referenced explicitly, the impact of 9/11 is evident in the woman mentioning that her husband is a pilot. Furthermore, she fuels the stereotype that anyone who speaks Arabic is dangerous and “menacing.” Implied at the end of this passage is that the principal agrees with the woman, who is mollified when she thanks him for understanding her anger. Both the mother and the principal represent the depth of hatred Nima and other Muslims faced in the aftermath of 9/11.

“my eyes spring open & he is sitting across from me

his eyes are large & pouched sad but not unkind

their sharp blue not unlike pool water stark in their

dim & bloodshot whites he’s the age i imagine

my father to be”

This is Nima’s description of the stranger at the diner. His blue eyes draw her in like the water of the pool and she compares the man to her father, whom she idolizes. Both details emphasize her desperation for peace, love, and belonging, which influences her decision to go with the man. Nima is vulnerable and sees what she wants to see in the stranger.

“i could spend hours just watching my parents dance

watching the muscles animating my father’s living face

but i feel tugged toward the exit by my other longing

i slip through the clanging metal gate my lost country

just outside”

When Nima first arrives in the past, she feels conflicted because she wants to watch her parents more, but she also wants to see the country. The personification of her desire tugging her outside underscores her feeling that this place is home for her. However, the word “longing” foreshadows her realization that home is not a place, but a feeling. The separation of “just outside” from the rest of the stanza suggests that her home is outside, or different from, what she expects.

“i wonder

if he ever feels unwanted if it hurts him to hear me

rhapsodize about my immortalized father while never asking

about his dreams of his i wonder if he thinks about him”

When Nima sees Haitham’s father at the party, she wonders what Haitham knows and feels about the man. This is a significant moment for Nima because not only does she consider someone else’s pain for the first time, but she is self-aware that she has never considered Haitham’s feelings before. As a result, these musings mark a moment of growth in Nima’s characterization.

“where do you live? where did you grow up?

do you know how you got your name? she skips over

the first two & gets right to the name it’s honestly so dumb

mama just likes the flower that’s it i always wished

i’d gotten your name instead one that actually

means something & through her eyes my name takes on

a new polish like i am finally

holding it up to the light”

Yasmeen talks about her name, revealing her preference for Nima’s because it has meaning. Forced to consider the girl’s perspective, Nima shifts her own thinking. When she says her name has a “new polish,” the suggestion is that it is suddenly desirable, and by holding it up to the light, she can truly see and appreciate it. This conversation chips away at Nima’s negative self-perception.

“my father tries and fails to force a smile his face breaks

& i listen holding my breath ready for the pieces

to finally fit into place the story of why we left our country

our home & even america takes on a new luster

at the thought that baba chose it for us

that we were all meant to go together

to call a new country our home”

When Nima listens at the café, she expects to hear her father’s plans to create a home in America for their family. In the next poem, the reality is much different, for he longs to leave Aisha and does not wish to be a father. Elhillo’s verse here is choppy and broken into short pieces, the pieces that Nima wants to put together. However, because the words remain broken into small chunks, it is foreshadowing that they will not fit together as Nima wants. Furthermore, the final line is a twist on the novel’s title: Nima wants America to be a home for them much like she has always imagined Sudan to be home, but neither country is nor will be.

“i love the idea of naming her nima but ahmed loves

the name yasmeen & you know it’s my favorite flower

it’ll remind me of mama’s garden mama likes it too

says a daughter is an apple in her father’s eye

& a flower in her mother’s hair she laughs

& shakes her head & i go warm at the thought

of my name as mama’s first choice”

Nima has always believed that her mother preferred the name Yasmeen and a different daughter. When she hears that her mother prefers the name Nima, the girl sees that the reality is different than what she thought. Going “warm” implies that Nima feels a surge of love. This moment also contributes to Nima’s shifting perception of herself and her relationship with her mother.

“i watch her face disappear under the water & it is my face

etched with the same panic i feel coursing through me

& it feels like i am watching myself drown & i know

i should just let her go let myself become the only

possibility eliminate the other

but i can’t just leave her there leave the body

that is my body to die”

In the tussle in the water, Nima is victorious and surfaces while Yasmeen sinks deeper. However, Nima does not relish the moment. Instead, she feels empathy and compassion. For someone who, not long ago, could only perceive her own troubles in the world, she decides that she must also save Yasmeen even though the girl is trying to kill her. This marks growth and maturity in Nima’s character.

“& let me do the work of actually living

of actually filling that life you’ve barely touched

she’s right & i hate her for it

& the shame prickles at my warmed skin

as i think back to each time i wished myself gone

wished myself another life

leaving my mother & Haitham

behind in the old one”

After their fight, Yasmeen complains that Nima is wasting her life and does not deserve it. Although this is true, Nima is angry at Yasmeen for articulating it. Despite her anger, Nima reflects on how her past wishes to be elsewhere meant that she would give up those she loved. Unintentionally, Yasmeen helps Nima face the reality that her life in America is full of love.

“do you actually understand how boring it is

waiting to be made possible?”

After explaining how she is waiting for a body and a life to inhabit, Yasmeen poses this question to Nima. Nima does know about waiting to be made possible because although she has a body and a life, she has not appreciated it or understood it enough to embrace it. This interaction with Yasmeen is what makes Nima see an alternate possibility (the poem’s title), for she finally realizes that she is wasting a wonderful life pining for something different.

“& something in me bristles at hearing

yasmeen described like that like some sort of monster

hearing someone who doesn’t even know her just decide

what she is what she’s like & with a jolt of panic

i realize i don’t know where she’s gone if she’s ever

coming back she isn’t evil she didn’t choose

 to be this way”

Nima recoils at Mama Fatheya’s reaction to the invisible spirit of Yasmeen disrupting the party. The elder woman believes the spirit to be nasty, which Nima knows is not true. The irony in this moment is that Mama Fatheya’s assumptions about the spirit Yasmeen parallel the assumptions some Americans have about Muslims on U.S. soil; without knowing people like Nima and Haitham, Islamophobic Americans just decide that they are dangerous simply because they are Muslim. This is another lesson that Nima is learning, that people (and spirits) are complex.

“i’ve never wanted to do anything good before, really,

but you’re good & you’re kind & you’re so full of love

my face gets hot as she says this shut up & let me finish

i mean it even after i literally tried to kill you, you didn’t

think twice about saving me you learned this huge thing about

your dad & instead of knocking a hookah over onto his stupid lap,

your first thought was about helping your mother

& i don’t know, it taught me something”

Although invisible, Yasmeen returns after Mama Fatheya expels her and says this to Nima. This contrasts greatly with Nima’s self-perceptions about how she is not good enough for her mother. Yasmeen sheds light on how good, loving, and compassionate Nima truly is. Although Nima has been the one learning along her journey, she is also teaching Yasmeen about what it means to be a good person.

“but i was wrong he was never meant to be ours my father

he was always meant to be gone it was always bigger

than anything my small tampering could change

& my mother & i were always meant to belong

to no one but each other”

Before this, Nima changes history by throwing rocks at the officers who stopped her parents’ car. Before her intervention, they shoot and kill her father, but in this version of history, her parents escape unscathed. Here, when Nima realizes that her father still plans to leave her mother, she acknowledges fate, something she has no control over. Shifting her focus, Nima believes it is destiny that she and her mother are together just the two of them. The final line mirrors these thoughts because it is a stanza of its own.

“& i call to her my name i’m your daughter

i need you we have a whole life together together

you’re all i need not him you’re all i need please

& my mother slows her frantic search around the room

& looks awed down at her stomach touches it

reverently & in the quiet wraps her voice around

my name

nima repeats it like a prayer nima nima

my saving grace”

Nima whispers to her mother after her father abandons them. Nima now understands that her mother is all she needs. The simile that compares Aisha’s reaction to a prayer illustrates the devotion and reverence she has for her daughter. Before her trip to the past, Nima would never have believed that her mother felt this for her, but now it is clear how much Aisha adores her daughter.

“i want to watch my mother’s youth her dancer’s

walk her life vibrant with friendship & parties

styled like a film star in her yellow dress not tired

not at work & instead laughing dancing”

In this moment, Nima resists the pull of the portal to return to her present life in America because she wants to see more. The mother that she longs for is a vivacious woman, symbolized by the yellow dress she wears. Nima contrasts this vibrant vision of her mother with what she expects back in America: someone who works all the time and is fatigued.

“& when i pull my tin box from beneath the bed

the one photograph remains my parents at the party

& with it is a new one of my mother here in america

in full color at some recent party yellow dress

swirling bright around her head thrown back

her mouth open midlaugh or midlyric

arms stretched above her head

as if in victory aisha bright & full of living”

When Nima returns from the past, two photographs sit in the tin box in her room. Unlike the first poem, the title here is plural, and there is a new image with just her mother wearing yellow and looking full of life. This contrasts with the beginning of the narrative and Nima’s expectations in the portal. Nima initially claims that her mother does not live up to her name, but here she does because Aisha means “she who lives” (6). Nima’s trip has altered the fabric of their lives in America.

“when i met you i was already angry so angry

about everything i thought had been taken from me

everything i thought i did not have so busy looking

at my one empty hand i almost missed everything

filling the other”

When Haitham wakes from his coma, this is what Nima wishes to say but is unable to articulate. These thoughts reflect Nima’s growth because she recognizes that she once was so selfish that she could not see the beauty in her life, but now she understands that it has been there all along. All that “fills” her hand is home to her: the love from her mother and Haitham and his family too.