How It Feels To Float

Biz’s mother is encouraged when Biz finishes the photography class. Biz, however, wonders whether she is getting better since she still experiences “long patches of sad swooping in at night when there aren’t any sounds to cover it” (156). She still feels blank and empty, like something is missing. She is anxious to find out what it is: “You still haven’t discovered your life’s purpose” (159), she scolds herself.

On Bridgit’s advice, Biz goes to the local mall as part of her therapy. The mall only brings back memories of when she and Grace would hang out there. She tries to focus on what she can see and hear, the sounds of people, the smells from the food market. When friends from school walk past, however, Biz collapses into panic and, without thinking, sends a message to Jasper’s Facebook account.

The next day is Biz’s 17th birthday. After a special pancake breakfast, Biz receives an expensive digital camera as a gift from her mother. Biz, however, likes using her Dad’s vintage camera and tries to hide her disappointment. She is surprised when Sylvia calls and invites her to her home for lunch on Sunday.

Biz’s birthday occasions her recollection of the stories she was told about her own birth, how difficult the delivery was, how much blood her mother lost. When the twins were born, Biz flashed back to that memory when she feared her mother might die in childbirth. Since their father was gone by that point, Biz helped during the delivery, giving her mom ice chips and encouraging her. She remembers how her father, dead then for three years, hovered above the hospital bed.

On Sunday, Sylvia surprises Biz by showing her a darkroom she renovated from a laundry shed in her backyard. There is enough room for the two of them to develop photos. Biz is overwhelmed by Sylvia’s kindness. Then, Sylvia surprises Biz again when she tells her that she has invited Jasper for lunch. Biz is uncertain what to do, as she suddenly feels for the first time in a long time, a strange combination of anticipation and anxiety, “love and worry” (177).

When Jasper pulls up on his motorcycle, Biz finds out that Jasper had left school before the incident with Tim to take care of his leg. Now, he is nearly finished with his rehab program. Jasper seems happy to see Biz. “Is this a reset?” (182), Biz wonders. As the day goes on, Biz feels her social energy begin to wane, as if her “stimulus intake meter has gone into the red” (183). Sylvia gives Biz a vintage Polaroid camera for a birthday gift. Biz is overwhelmed; she spirals into fragmentary thoughts about the camera, then her father, then Jasper, then Grace. Once again, Biz feels like she is floating above herself.

The next day, Bridgit agrees to meet Biz for a special session. When Biz describes what happened at Sylvia’s house, Bridgit says that Biz had a panic attack. As Biz recounts what happened the panic rises again, and Bridgit calms her down, telling her to breathe in and out. When she gets home, Biz calls Sylvia to assure her that she is fine although Biz is not entirely sure she is.

Biz is happy to see Jasper messaged her on Facebook, and the two reestablish their friendship. Biz recalls the night on the beach when Jasper pulled her from the ocean. She struggles to remember the particulars: “All truth does is float, travel in these impossible, unpredictable zigs and zags, out to space and back” (195). The two begin to chat regularly, and Biz feels the reassurance of their renewed friendship.

Biz’s mother takes Biz and the twins north to a bridge that overlooks the sea. Biz brings her Polaroid and takes photos of the landscape, which speaks to her. The place reminds her mother of Biz’s father, and Biz knows her mother is sad. As the Polaroid spits out picture after picture of people along the beach, the photos speak to Biz, telling her their stories.

A week after her birthday, Biz and Jasper drive to a beach about an hour north. As she rides on the motorcycle, Biz is exhilarated. As they sit on the beach in front of a fire, Biz feels “nice…warm…uncomplicated” (206). She remembers when she was seven, just after her father’s death, and she tossed one of her dolls onto a fire in their backyard. She watched as the doll was reduced to a “blob on top of the logs” (203) and thought about her father’s cremation, which took place two months earlier. The thoughts trigger feelings of panic, but she reminds herself that she can hold these feelings and doesn’t have to flee them. For the rest of the evening, she enjoys cuddling with Jasper by the fire. That night, she sends an email to Grace in an effort to reestablish their friendship.

Two days later, Jasper and Biz return to the ocean. It is a chilly day. Biz “wants to unpeel Jasper…take off his jacket and shirt, sneak a look under his skin, see the cogs and wires, the tick and beat of him” (211). They talk little against the heavy wind, but Jasper recites an e. e. cummings poem entitled “Buffalo Bill’s” that mocks the inevitability of death. Biz is thrilled to discover Jasper’s love of poetry.

After that day at the beach, Biz’s days develop a routine. She and Jasper have coffee, chat online, and take walks. He shares the story of the car accident that injured his leg when he was 11. Biz shares with Jasper that her father is dead but does not share the circumstances of his death nor does she tell him about her feelings of floating. She tells him that her mother thinks she is better because she is seeing Bridgit and taking her medication.

They take another ride to a beach—this time south to Cunjurong Point. The beauty of the beach and Jasper’s happy face convince Biz not to float above this moment but to enjoy it. They take off their clothes down to their underwear and burst into the water like “those videos of whales” (226); Biz relishes the pure joy of feeling.