Inside Out And Back Again

When Hà’s best friend TiTi leaves the country with her family, Hà is sad to see her go; Brother Khôi says TiTi’s family is wealthy enough to escape on a cruise ship from the port city of Vũng Tầu. Though she misses TiTi, Hà is happy to be poor in one regard: It means Hà’s family must stay in Vietnam. She is grateful for her home and accepts their living conditions, even when it means taking turns eating the single egg produced by Khôi’s hen each day and a half.

Mother cannot bear to keep the photo of Father visible except during times of prayer and traditional chanting rituals. The family knows little about Hà’s father’s capture by the Communist army nine years before, one month short of Hà’s first birthday, except that he planned to take part in a naval mission. He disappeared, however, shortly after leaving home.

Conditions of daily life continue to deteriorate due to the war. Mother tries to bring in added money through sewing work because her secretarial job does not pay enough to feed the family. Hà’s teacher, Miss Xinh, tries to encourage discussion of current events at school, but the students can talk only about “how close the Communists / have gotten to Saigon, / how much prices have gone up since / American soldiers left, / how many distant bombs / were heard the previous night” (18). When the teacher encourages positive comments instead of war talk, none of the students can produce any. The cost of food items continues to go up. When Mother gives Hà money for the market to buy the family’s groceries, Hà keeps back a tiny amount to buy some small treat like fried dough for herself.

Despite the concerns of the war, Hà finds anticipation in pleasant things: Two more papayas sprout on her tree, and her birthday is approaching. She reflects often on details mentioned by her mother and brothers about her father; she knows he liked stewed eel and disliked brown, and that he used the expression “right away” often. Hà sometimes speaks this phrase, tuyết sút, quietly to herself to feel closer to Father.

Hà observes changes in her life due to the war. Usually for her birthday she receives a variety of treats, but this year she gets only tapioca and black sesame candy. Her birthday wish on turning 10 is for stories from Mother, so Mother tells of her own upbringing as the daughter of a wealthy family in the North, her arranged marriage to Hà’s father at sixteen, and the coming of Communism with the rise of Hồ Chí Minh. Hà’s parents moved to the South, not expecting the separation of North and South; Mother’s family was unable to follow once the country divided.

Mother takes Hà on a day trip to downtown Saigon to an annual ceremony for war wives; there they will receive supplies and hear President Thiệu speak. Mother accepts the supplies but calls the President’s tears those of “an ugly fish,” meaning that he is insincere. Mother looks increasingly worried. Their food supply dwindles. Hà’s school closes for the year; this frustrates Hà. The school’s sudden closing means a prize “will be awarded / today / to the teacher’s pet” (39), a girl named Tram who sits next to Hà. Hà can’t help but pinch Tram at the unfairness.

Father’s friend, Uncle Sơn, tries to convince Mother that she should seek passage on a navy ship before the country of South Vietnam falls to the Communists. Mother points out to Hà’s brothers and Hà that others are preparing to flee, wanting their input. Brothers Quang and Khôi insist they should stay. Brother Vũ wants to go. Mother recalls how Communism invaded the North by taking control of the schools. She is undecided. Later Brother Khôi secretly shows Hà that a tiny chick hatched from his hen’s egg. Khôi says he and Hà must stay in their home to keep both the chick and Hà’s papayas safe. Hà, who now has five papayas on her tree, agrees with Khôi. Mother, however, sees Hà rationing sweet potato for dinner by cutting away the barest bits of peel. Though Mother says nothing about leaving, this is the moment she decides they must go.

The sounds of bombing are not far off now. President Thiệu resigns from his office. Uncle Sơn comes to tell the family that any time now, they should be ready to board the navy vessel in the port of Saigon. He warns them not to tell anyone, as “Only navy families can board the ships” (50). Mother reassures Hà that Father and she once planned to communicate through Father’s relatives’ home in the North, so if Mother, Hà, and the boys leave Saigon, Father will still find them. Then Mother stiches rough satchels for each of them to pack a few necessities: rice, clothes, toothbrush. Khôi tries to tell Mother he and Hà will stay, but Mother insists they must all go, or all stay, and Khôi relents. Each picks “one choice” for the satchel as well, and Hà chooses her doll with the mouse-bitten cheek. Many items stay behind: school records, plants that decorate the house, photographs. They cut down Hà’s papayas though not yet ripe and eat them: “Black seeds spill / like clusters of eyes, / wet and crying” (60).

At the port, the family relies on the strength and size of Brother Vũ to lead them through the massive crowd of people trying to flee by ship. They make it aboard with Uncle Sơn and have space only to sit, all five on a mat. Late in the night, many refugees leave the ship on the rumor that a neighboring vessel has more fuel and food. Uncle Sơn tells Mother they should go too, but instead of boarding the new boat, Uncle Sơn brings them back aboard the first ship, “emptied of half its passengers” (66). It soon departs. The next day, April 30, 1975, Saigon falls to the Communist army. The passengers learn this from a pilot who ejects into the water, then boards the ship.