Love From A to Z

“Then, two years ago, when Mom and Dad had stopped this rudeness, I began not to care that they’d called me an angry baby. Because by then I’d discovered this about myself: I get angry for the right reasons. So I embraced my anger. I was the angry one. Though, Marvels and Oddities, the right reasons got me suspended from school yesterday.”

Zayneb Malik’s anger is a key facet of her character that allows her to fight for change and to combat injustice. She initially feels ashamed of her volatile personality but learns to regard this character trait as a strength. Her passion gives her the courage and power to stand up for what she believes in, despite the repercussions.

“What riles me is that people think Islamophobia is these little or big acts of violence. Someone getting their hijab ripped off, someone’s business getting vandalized, someone getting hurt or, yes, even killed. No, there’s the other kind too, and it’s a more prevalent kind: the slow, steady barrage of tiny acts of prejudice, these your-people-are-trash lightsaber cuts that tear and peel strips off your soul until you can’t feel your numbed heart any longer.”

Racism and Islamophobia define Zayneb’s coming-of-age experience. She constantly faces prejudice and microaggressions because she’s Muslim. Wherever she goes she feels like an outsider and is made to feel ashamed for what she believes and how she presents herself. She is determined to combat these injustices because she wants to be free to be herself.

“I think what pinged CUTE GUY ALERT immediately was the way his face was angular, including a perfect jawline, and inaccessible-seeming, but then his expression was so open. Like the first time we locked gazes, his eyes had looked lively somehow. Like he wasn’t closed up. Like there’s this easy smile on his face, even while reading his laptop screen. His hair was—okay, that’s all.”

Zayneb and Adam’s meeting in the airport incites their romance and heightens the narrative tension. Zayneb is immediately drawn to Adam because of his physical appearance and his magnetic, open energy. Her initial response to Adam foreshadows the connection the characters will form and the ways in which this connection will change her.

“I wondered, if I’d seen her before I left home—if I’d felt her arms around me—would I have cried so easily on the plane here? Would her hug have transferred some of her calm—because she was the essence of peace itself, being the purest, softest, gentlest soul? I miss her so much.”

Zayneb’s grandmother’s death heightens her loneliness and contributes to her confusion. She misses her grandmother and often longs for her comforting presence. Like Adam, Zayneb is familiar with loss and grief. This passage foreshadows coming revelations about Zayneb’s grandmother’s tragic death and the ways in which Zayneb and Adam will learn to share their sorrow.

“Maybe it was looking up at her and seeing the remnants of her secret smile before she blew more bubbles that made me blurt out, ‘Do you want to come see the water?’ Or it could have been how her scarf blended into the darkness of the sky behind her so only her profile was lit up, surrounded by bubbles and stars. Or maybe I just needed to stop. Stop projecting more meaning into her than she deserves.”

Adam sees Zayneb’s hijab as a hopeful, positive sign when he first sees her in the airport and on the plane. Many people respond to Zayneb’s hijab in a negative way and intimidate or bully her because of it. Adam, however, sees the hijab as evidence of Zayneb’s Muslim identity and therefore regards it as a point of connection. He continues to muse on these aspects of Zayneb’s appearance and character in the days following their meeting. The passage captures the intensity of Adam’s feelings and foreshadows the characters’ coming relationship.

“Exhibit A: The Better Me manifesto I wrote in the middle of a Doha night. Tomorrow I was going to be poised and peaceful. Maybe quieter, too. Well, quieter in the sense that I was going to listen more than talk. Not jump to conclusions. Just let things unfold. […] I am going to be a better version of myself, because this isn’t the time for my shenanigans anymore. Somebody grieving is going to be in my vicinity tomorrow. I need to rein me in.”

Zayneb attempts to tame her personality in order to please others. Her recent experiences at home and in school have taught her that her authentic identity is upsetting to others. In Doha, therefore, she tries to be a different person in order to please her new friends and companions. This passage reveals the complexities Zayneb faces in claiming her Muslim Identity in Contemporary Society.

“Spring break goes like this. Solemn at first, and then, after the anniversary, as Dad remembered us, Hanna and me, he would get chipper, eager to do things together as a family. I’ll just wait for him to be ready for my news. Lying in bed, I looked at the photo of Mom, the same one of her on the swing. I brought it into my room so Hanna wouldn’t see it and remember the jar again. Mom looked like she agreed that both of these decisions of mine were right course: stop Hanna from thinking about the jar and put Dad off learning I have the same disease Mom had.”

Adam chooses to hide his multiple sclerosis diagnosis from his family in order to appear strong and to protect his dad and sister. His mom died of the same disease, and Adam is afraid of causing his family any more pain. He wants to maintain his role as the strong, sacrificial son and therefore keeps his pain to himself. However, Adam fails to anticipate the ways in which his secrecy will alienate him.

“I couldn’t even say a word to her when she got out of the car. I was trying hard not to so obviously shake off the sensations that had just invaded my body minutes before. She’d stood there for a bit, then looked up at me and waited a few seconds before saying salaam. And I’d thought, No. It isn’t the time to begin something with someone so interesting. Someone so cute who I am completely attracted to.”

Adam’s chronic illness complicates his relationships. Adam is desperate to get to know Zayneb but fears that he can’t pursue a relationship with her because of his MS. He tries to quiet his heart’s desires in order to protect others from his disease. This is just one way that his illness impacts his coming of age, in line with the theme of the Impact of Chronic Illness on Young Adults.

“I put a toe in. The water temperature was perfect, so I dropped my entire self in and flipped onto my back. Ah. Immediately my shoulders relaxed and my arms went limp as I stared at the diffused lights on the ceiling. This, I thought, as I breathed down to my floating toes, I could do each and every day. Every single day. It was literally like worries were melting, disappearing into the water through those body pores of mine immersed in the pool.”

Water and swimming offer Zayneb’s spirited character a sense of peace. The pool grants her the space to relieve her internal unrest and to find calm for the first time since her school suspension. This passage underscores water’s symbolic significance throughout the novel.

“‘Because it’s come to stand as a symbol of being Muslim. And that’s trouble because there are a lot of people who hate on Muslims like crazy.’ I shrugged and undid my hair and let it fall onto my shoulders again, looking at Noemi, wondering if she was as genuine as she appeared to be. ‘There’s also another kind of hate from people, mostly from women who are into white feminism, who think they’re helping Muslim women by finding this way of dressing oppressive. They act like if they quote unquote free us from our religious teachings, which they believe they’ve become quote unquote smart enough to figure out are oppressive, that then they’re saving us.”

Zayneb voices her opinions and defends her beliefs, no matter the social context. In this scene, she’s communicating with Kavi Srinivasan and Noemi on FaceTime. She doesn’t know what Noemi believes but doesn’t shy away from articulating her experience. Her bold and direct manner of speaking reiterates Zayneb’s refusal to diminish her Muslim identity to please others. In turn, she finds acceptance and is able to teach others about her experience.

“I clutched the burkini to me as it dawned on me what Auntie Nandy meant. She wanted me to challenge the fitness center’s expectation of what proper swimwear was. She wanted me to fight? She actually wanted me to challenge something? A little spark ignited in me.”

Auntie Nandy empowers Zayneb to be herself and to fight for her beliefs. She insists that Zayneb return to the pool and swim without fear or shame after the other gymgoers try to intimidate her. Auntie Nandy validates Zayneb’s experience and encourages her to use her voice and demand the space she deserves.

“It made me feel like someone was going to take over now. I wasn’t on my own with this. For the first time. I let the tears fall, surprised at the intensity of the relief washing over me. It wasn’t just my problem to figure out. For the first time since the attack started, I had something other than pain to concentrate on. I was also relieved, tentatively, for another reason: Did Ms. Raymond mean that I could get the treatments at her place?”

Adam’s chronic illness teaches him how to ask for and accept help from others. He initially hides his diagnosis from his loved ones because he’s trying to protect his family and friends from more pain. However, once he goes to Ms. Raymond for help, he realizes the power of vulnerability to transform him and develop his relationships. This moment marks a turning point in Adam’s storyline and foreshadows the ways in which seeking help will help Adam to grow.

“It’s okay to cry a lot. But we have to get the crying done before we heat the oil. Otherwise it will splatter everywhere. When it’s time to work with heat, with the hard part, we have to be ready. But get it all out now before we fry the best French fries in the world.”

Adam shares his memories of his mom with Ms. Raymond in order to communicate his feelings. He references this memory in order to convey his fear of telling his family the truth about his diagnosis. At the same time, Adam’s memory reveals Adam’s sensitivity and his desire to express his emotions authentically with those he trusts.

“I need to retreat all the way to the old me. The one who doesn’t get so hot and bothered by stupid stuff like this. I’m someone who gets consumed by stuff. It engulfs me, wraps me up in its embrace, and doesn’t let me be until I’ve dealt with it. I sat up in bed. I don’t like getting consumed by things like jealousy and…lust. Yet I want to get consumed. Because I like winning. I like things getting dealt with.”

Zayneb’s anxieties over Kavi, Noemi, Adam, and Emma P. complicate her sense of self. She becomes caught up in these interpersonal dynamics and momentarily loses her focus. This moment of revelation conveys Zayneb’s desire to be true to herself and her beliefs, and not to let her jealousy and frustration distract from her goals.

“The only thing I remember is the trail of questions Zayneb and I texted each other back and forth—her mostly about how I was feeling, about my diagnosis, about MS; me about how she liked her Doha visit so far. The clearest feeling I remember is this: the way that it felt like the space between us folded and folded, and kept folding until the distance shrank, until we made sense to each other.”

Adam discovers a new form of support and care when he tells Zayneb the truth about his multiple sclerosis diagnosis. Zayneb doesn’t push Adam away because he’s sick but rather invests more deeply in him after he opens up to her. The vulnerability in their developing romance therefore strengthens their bond, illustrating the Dynamics of Romance Amid Personal and Societal Challenges.

“I like him because he’s gentle and kind and considerate and has this sense of confidence without being in your face about it, and he’s super thoughtful; his little sister adores him; so do his friends at the international school he went to. But then he’s kind of alone. I can see that. It oozes out of him.”

Zayneb’s ability to convey her feelings for Adam to her loved ones captures the depth of the protagonists’ connection. Zayneb is normally reluctant to show her vulnerability to others, but her developing relationship with Adam changes her. His positive traits have already begun to impact her way of seeing the world and herself. When she vocalizes these truths to Kavi, she is claiming her experience and emotions.

“I also wanted to hold my hand to my heart like him, like he just did now, like he did whenever he said salaam, peace, to someone, closing his eyes again, like he was grateful for that, too. He had told me a long time ago that what he liked best about being Muslim was the peace to be found in it. Maybe that’s why he touched his heart. Because the peace was there.”

Adam converts to Islam when he is 11 years old because he craves the peacefulness his father seems to have. Adam’s Muslim identity in turn shapes Adam’s outlook on the world and dictates his developing sense of self throughout his childhood and young adulthood.

“I kept crying. Because it came to me again, like it had in the fall, that I’d never see her face or feel her hands again. Because it hurt that, with the way things were in the world, my grandmother’s life and her hands, her love, didn’t count as much. It hurt that some lives were worth less.”

Zayneb’s family’s discoveries about Daadi’s death fuel Zayneb’s desire for justice. Zayneb has devoted herself to fighting for what she believes in since she was young. However, this fight becomes even more personal when Zayneb learns that Daadi was killed in a drone strike. In this moment, Zayneb resorts to sorrow instead of anger, thus conveying the intensity of her internal experience.

“She wasn’t like a steady heartbeat. She had a heart that moved and rose and fell as things affected her. I flipped to another picture. There it was again. She was really frowning in this one, by a display of ornaments worn by the lower classes and slaves. She was alive with passions, so alive that they exploded out of her, plain to see, loud and proud, not hidden. Like mine were. […] It felt exciting to be connected to someone so full of life.”

Adam has a revelation about his feelings for Zayneb once he begins to accept her vibrant and passionate character traits. Adam realizes that although he and Zayneb have their differences, he admires Zayneb’s ability to stand up for what she believes in without fear. He is learning from her and discovering how to love her for who she is.

“I leaned over and hugged her. She made me feel proud of my angry self. But yeah, I had to learn to be quietly angry. Spring without a roar. And spring I will.”

Auntie Nandy’s character acts as an archetypal guide in the context of Zayneb’s storyline. Since she was young, Zayneb’s teachers, friends, and parents have taught her that being outspoken is unacceptable. However, Auntie Nandy encourages Zayneb’s boldness and inspires her to embrace who she is without shame.

“‘Yeah? There’s so much information! Hopeful information, Adam.’ She peered at me to make sure I saw how serious she was, enthusiasm taking over her face as she leaned forward in her eagerness to communicate her excitement. ‘You don’t have to be alone.’ Hope—she was trying to give me hope. She was trying to light the way forward with hope. Amazing. To think I’d not been alone. That she’d been thinking ahead for me too.”

Zayneb helps Adam to face his chronic illness without fear. Instead of distancing herself from him when he opens up to her about his diagnosis and related anxieties, she offers herself as a support to him. She maintains this positive, encouraging role throughout the entirety of their relationship. Her love shepherds Adam through his trying personal challenges.

“‘See, this is what I do. I go over my times with my mom and get ahas. Like I have a new one about the French fry memory: What if she was trying to tell me that in order to be strong, you have to be weak first? Like, feel your weakness?’ She nodded, her eyes on me and sparking with interest. ‘Go on.’ ‘Like we can only get to our strongest to face stuff after we’ve felt the lows?’ I indicated her journal. ‘And your journal is all your lows, but now you’re ready to be your strongest? Take Fencer down? Speak up about your grandmother’s death? Stand strong, no holds barred? Win?”

Adam supports Zayneb through her personal and societal challenges in the same way that Zayneb supports Adam. He encourages her to continue fighting for what she believes in no matter the consequences. This dialogue marks a turning point in the characters’ romance, as they are discovering how to listen to each other and give advice.

“I took a while composing myself, lapsing again and again to crying when I thought I was done with tears and could start talking. It had suddenly become hard to switch from the hurt to anger, and I realized an awful truth: Over the years, I’d built a hard, strong wall, a fortress, separating my heart from the outside world. Now that I’d let the fortress crack, it was hard to not let my heart escape. And feel the hurt. And be free.”

Zayneb’s newfound ability to grieve captures her emotional evolution. She allows herself to be vulnerable with her aunt in this scene because she needs to mourn her grandmother and release her feelings in a healthy way. She is therefore learning that she doesn’t always have to be strong and fierce; being a Muslim woman also means feeling pain and asking for support.