56 pages • 1 hour read
Summary
Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Character Analysis
Themes
Symbols & Motifs
Important Quotes
Essay Topics
Tools
Aaron is desperate to see Collin again. They meet at the track, ostensibly so Aaron can help Collin train for basketball tryouts. Collin asks about Aaron’s suicide attempt and says he was angry when he heard about it. He says he realizes now how much he misses Aaron but that he has to think of his unborn son and how his sexuality would affect the child’s life. They go back to the track the next day to read comic books together. When they go a third time, Thomas and Genevieve are already there together. Aaron is deeply hurt by this and runs away. Collin realizes that Aaron still likes Thomas and says it’s for the best that Thomas is straight.
Aaron has been avoiding his brother Eric. He was able to keep his job at Good Food’s after his boss agreed to ban Brendan, Skinny-Dave, and Nolan from the store. Thomas and Genevieve appear while he’s at work. Genevieve asks Aaron to explain why he would want the Leteo procedure again. Thomas is upset that Aaron would be willing to forget him. Thomas leaves and Genevieve follows him. Later, Aaron’s mom says she doesn’t want to sign off on a second procedure, but she will if Aaron goes to visit Kyle and his family.
Aaron is able to visit the Lakes after they agree and Evangeline signs papers promising never to tell anyone else their location. Kyle’s parents are shocked by the state of Aaron’s still-healing wounds. They explain that they still hurt and grieve Kenneth every day. Aaron tells them memories of Kenneth that aren’t appropriate for his parents to hear, but he can’t stop himself. They cry but are grateful to talk about Kenneth with someone. They say they couldn’t undergo the procedure because it would dishonor Kenneth’s life. Kyle comes home, and he and Aaron hang out. Aaron wants to confess his sexuality but decides not to.
Aaron heads to the Leteo Institute to get his second procedure. He realizes as he stands outside that his sexuality isn’t what went wrong in his life. Instead of going in, he goes home to apologize to his mother and brother.
Every year on his birthday, Aaron’s mother writes him a letter about his “greatest hits” of the year. Another birthday ritual involves sitting together and going over his baby album. Many of these memories make it clear that Aaron was gay long before he admitted it to himself, though many of the signs involve his liking of “girl” things or characters. His mother asks if he’s going to meet up with Genevieve or Thomas to celebrate his birthday, but Aaron says he’s going to see Collin instead. They have quick sex, but Collin doesn’t acknowledge that it’s Aaron’s birthday.
Aaron sees Skinny-Dave on his way home, but they don’t interact; Skinny-Dave stays on his side of the street until Aaron is gone. Thomas is waiting at the elevator. Aaron tells him he didn’t get the procedure. Thomas doesn’t say anything at all; he presents Aaron with a bike as a birthday gift, hugs him, and leaves. Aaron goes upstairs and stares at the clock, wondering if Genevieve will call. He realizes he’s lost time—it’s suddenly 1:16 in the morning and there’s an empty dinner plate at the foot of the bed that he doesn’t remember eating off of. He wakes up his brother and then finds himself crying on his mom’s bed without knowing how he got there.
At 4:09 a.m. in her office, Evangeline diagnoses Aaron with anterograde amnesia, which means that he can’t form new memories. Aaron realizes he can remember forgetting things. His mother is distraught. He asks how to fix it, but Evangeline says sometimes it’s irreversible and that Aaron probably only has a few days before it takes full effect. Aaron asks, “Why bother living?” (231), which makes his mother cry more. Evangeline says he has so much to live for. At 4:21 a.m. Aaron again asks what anterograde amnesia is.
Aaron reflects on the meaning of not having any new yesterdays. He says,
I won’t know what I ate for lunch and will only know if I ate at all depending on whether or not my stomach is growling. What time I wake up won’t matter because I’ll always be waking up…new words will have zero weight in my head (232).
He realizes that they’ve put on the security chain to keep him in the apartment. Eric angrily accuses Aaron of using a selfish “cheat code” without thinking about the effect on his family (234). Aaron says their father killed himself because of Aaron, and they console him. Eric then expresses anger at their mother for agreeing to the procedure and treating Aaron like he couldn’t deal with his experiences himself. Aaron asks if they still have anything of his father’s; together they walk to the trash chute and throw it all away. Eric offers to go with Aaron to do the things he was trying to do.
Aaron and Eric go to find Brendan first because Aaron wants Brendan to see the damage he’s caused. Before they find him, Eric says he shouldn’t have let Aaron have sex with Genevieve. Aaron kicks Brendan in the balls when he sees him; Brendan admits he deserved it. Aaron tells him about the amnesia and says it’s his fault. Brendan says he doesn’t hate Aaron, he just doesn’t “understand why you’re being gay” (237). Aaron leaves, sincerely hoping that Brendan finds his own happy ending someday.
Next, Aaron sees Collin, who thinks they are meeting to have sex. Aaron tells Collin that he has to stop ruining things for himself and the people around him. Collin finally believes that Aaron has had the Leteo procedure. Collin is angry that Aaron is trying to make him feel bad for lying to Nicole, but he takes the comic book Aaron brought him as a gift and leaves.
After the meeting with Collin (which Aaron forgets the details of almost immediately), he goes to Genevieve’s apartment. She starts crying as soon as she sees him. Seeing him with Collin was very upsetting for her and brought back a lot of bad memories. She’s glad that she changed his mind about the procedure, but Aaron tells her that he has anterograde amnesia. He asks if she and Thomas are together but that she likes it and wants something real. She tells him that she loves him; he kisses her and tells her he loves her in a “non-weird way” too (245).
Aaron knows that his amnesia is going to cost him independence. He won’t be able to drive or work or form any new relationships. He goes to Thomas’s apartment and tells him about the amnesia and that he doesn’t want to live anymore. Thomas says that if Aaron loves him, he won’t kill himself. Thomas reveals he knew about Aaron’s feelings for him after Aaron came out and that he, too, was a little confused by their closeness, but he knows he’s straight because if he wasn’t he would have been so very into Aaron. Thomas also says that it’s OK if Aaron can’t process the passing of time, he’ll be happy just to sit with him. Aaron asks what Thomas would do in his situation. Thomas says, “I would do my damn best to be more happy than not” (247).
The groundwork that Silvera laid earlier in Part 3 comes to fruition here. Aaron rejects the procedure, choosing instead to maintain his memories and embrace his family and himself. Almost immediately, the anterograde amnesia sets in, and the narratives shifts focus to this diagnosis and the effect it will have on Aaron’s life moving forward. The prognosis is not good, and the mechanism of his amnesia brings a profound irony to the narrative: Aaron, who has done everything possible to forget the memories from his early life, will now have only the memories from his early life. He was so convinced that he had to forget everything to be happy, but if he wants happiness now, he has no choice but to find it within those traumatic memories. Because of this, Aaron must confront the fruitlessness of his earlier attempts to build a happy life and the mistakes he made along the way. This is highlighted in Eric’s accusation that Aaron wanted a “cheat code” and that he should have asked for help first. The reader can infer that Eric is well aware of Aaron’s sexuality without having been told of it, and that he was ready and willing to support and help Aaron. Instead, both Aaron and his mother bought into the idea that erasing parts of yourself is the only way to find happiness.
The most important theme in this section is memory’s crucial role in finding and validating the self, and in making progress, maturing, and moving forward. Aaron’s amnesia obstructs that growth process, as Aaron will be perpetually living in a moment of learning about his condition and the hopelessness of his life. These chapters also critique the idea that happiness can ever be external. Aaron has sought joy in others for years due to his self-hatred, and every attempt has let him down, ultimately costing his future and his ability to create more happy memories. Now he has to live with the traumas he tried so hard to forget, and the amnesia will force him to turn inward to find reasons for living. Ironically, Aaron now has less “reason” to live than ever, but he also has the most motivation to come to peace with himself that we’ve seen in the novel so far.
Also emotionally taxing are the visits Aaron pays to Brendan, Collin, Genevieve, and Thomas. He calls these encounters “saying goodbye,” but that’s only partially true in half of the visits. With Brendan and Collin, Aaron is indeed saying goodbye. Both of these young men separate from Aaron feeling angry and guilty, and it’s likely that they will not have a presence in Aaron’s life moving forward. With Genevieve and Thomas, however, the visits are more complex. He tells them about his amnesia, but neither of them behaves as though this will mean a separation between them. Instead, Thomas and Genevieve both express their love for Aaron and their desire to keep him in their lives. Thomas explicitly says that he would be happy just to be in Aaron’s presence.
It’s also worth noting that the people Aaron chooses to visit are those who have abandoned or betrayed him. Brendan’s betrayal is obvious in that he participated in a violent hate crime against Aaron that gave him debilitating brain trauma. Collin’s is also easy to see, as he abandoned Aaron in favor of Nicole, though we can understand that he did this out of his own struggle to accept his sexuality. Genevieve’s betrayal is different but not insignificant. She admits that she knew Aaron was gay but still participated in his denial and desperation to cover it up. She admits, too, that she knew they shouldn’t be having sex, but she did it anyway. Additionally, though Aaron is tentatively willing to be happy for them, Genevieve has taken the place in Thomas’s life that Aaron longed to fill. The reader may or may not begrudge Thomas and Genevieve the right to be together, but it must be noted that they have chosen to be to each other what Aaron wanted so badly to be to each of them. This carries forward into Thomas’s visit with Aaron. Aaron truly does want both of these people he loves to be happy, but he is also clearly hurt by their decision to, in some ways, replace him with each other.
The conclusion of Part 3 also gives us the novel’s title when Thomas says that in Aaron’s shoes, he’d try to be “more happy than not” (247). This sentiment is very true to Thomas’s character, and it strikes a chord with Aaron. In the past Aaron has viewed happiness as an all-or-nothing proposition; he hasn’t given much thought to being satisfied with small margins of happiness over unhappiness. As the narrative progresses to explore the heights of Aaron’s condition, it leaves the reader on an almost optimistic note. Aaron is accepting that he has to live with himself and find happiness internally rather than externally.
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By Adam Silvera