Redefining realness: My path to womanhood, identity, love, & so much more

Wendi asks if Mock is mahu, which Mock has been taught is the equivalent of calling a man a sissy. Later, Mock comes to understand that mahu “defined a group of people who embodied the diversity of gender beyond the dictates of our Western binary system” (102). Mock is simultaneously terrified that Wendi sees her but also thrilled at the potential for belonging that Wendi’s question poses. At the time, Mock denies being mahu, as it has been Christianized into a slur. Mock reflects on the first person she met who was proud of being mahu: Kumu, Mock’s hula instructor. At first, Mock remembers being confused by Kumu, although she is in awe of her.

After their initial interaction, Mock notices Wendi everywhere at school, stunned that her classmates accept Wendi as fact instead of merely tolerating her. Even though the boys at school ask her humiliating questions and taunt her, Wendi responds to them with wit and audacity. Mock renews her commitment to being the good son, getting haircuts and good grades. Mock starts talking on the phone with a girl, who everyone starts calling Mock’s girlfriend: “I reluctantly went along with it, carrying the title for those two weeks because she made me appear normal” (106).

One day, Wendi asks Mock to come play volleyball with her, and even though Mock is terrified of being associated with Wendi, she goes. Wendi teaches her how to play volleyball, and the two become inseparable. Mock is empowered by Wendi’s presence. They go shopping together, switching tags to get clothes for less money, and Mock begins to dress like Wendi. Mock’s family accepts Wendi, although later Jeff admits to being confused and being bullied at school because of Mock’s transformation. Mock’s support, however implicit, from her family helps her fortify her self-esteem. Mock also reflects on her privilege of familial support in comparison to many other LGBTQ youth.

At thirteen, Mock sits her mother down at their kitchen table and tells her that she’s gay. Elizabeth smiles, and Mock feels loved and heard. Mock has no idea that she could become a woman, and so this is as close to the truth as she believes her mother can handle. Wendi plucks Mock’s eyebrows and Mock is enamored with this level of intimacy. Mock and Wendi talk for hours, and Wendi tells Mock that her parents both struggled with meth addiction, and that after her mother cheated on her stepfather, eleven-year-old Wendi ran away to her grandparents’ house. Wendi says that she always knew who she was and that she liked boys, saying that Mock never fooled anyone.

When Wendi is fourteen, she tells Mock that she is going to get hormones at the doctor when she turns sixteen. Mock, who has never heard about hormones, is stunned that her grandparents will let Wendi. Wendi says they don’t understand and that her aunt will take her. Wendi’s audacity gives Mock the self-esteem to wear makeup to class, which the girls compliment. Mock discusses the difference between drag queens and trans women, a distinction that society often does not make, just as the U.S. census does not ask gender identity. In the 90s, drag queens populate the media, from television shows to movies and MAC advertisements. Wendi introduces Mock to other trans women at the rec center, one of whom, Tracy, becomes an idol for Mock. Some of the other women tell her that she’s going to be a pretty girl who can ‘pass’ as any other girl. Mock discusses the ideas of realness and passing within the trans community, the embodiment of which allows for trans women to live without being attacked by reproducing social norms.

Mock is overwhelmed and starts crying, and the women apologize. Wendi asks her why, and Mock says she felt uncomfortable with everyone looking at her. Wendi says life is uncomfortable. Mock relates her friendship with Wendi and the community of support she found as being unusual for most trans youth, even those who find an LGBT community. Similarly, most of the modern media attention focuses on trans youth who have the support of their families while “erasing the presence of trans youth from low-income communities and/or communities of color” (119).

Wendi takes pictures of Mock, who is dressed in Wendi’s too-small heels, a wig, and a halter pantsuit. Mock is having a great time, invigorated by Wendi’s friendship. They go to get food and the photos developed. Mock is excited about her makeup, hair, and smile, but hates her Adam’s apple: “Most teenagers grapple with body image, but to be a pubescent trans girl with few resources to change what you don’t like only magnifies the features that begin negating a mental self-image” (122). Mock discusses how the media made her critical of herself, and how more than anything she wanted to start hormones, so she wouldn’t become any more masculine. Wendi dresses in the fashionable way that Mock wishes she could, while Mock buys tighter pants to be more feminine. She cries when her mother insists on cutting Mock’s hair, although Elizabeth does buy Mock Lip Smackers, which Mock equates with being a girl.

Mock’s mother suddenly gets back together with Rick, Cori’s father, who moves in with them. Rick had been in and out of prison and was addicted to meth as well as being prone to aggressive and violent outbursts and abusive remarks towards Mock. He and Mock do not get along, and Elizabeth does not stick up for her. Mock realizes her mother chose a terrible man over her. Cori’s boyfriend ends up getting into a fistfight with Rick, and Cori and her kids move out. Elizabeth can no longer afford the rent, so they move and Mock has to transfer schools, although the new school is academically stronger. Mock confesses her fear to her counselor about moving schools, worried she won’t find anyone like her. Her counselor assures Mock that people like her because she is a good person. Her counselor asks for one of her Lip Smackers as a parting gift: “I rolled my eyes and laughed, delighted that he saw me” (128).

Mock begins school at Moanalua, feeling like she is moving up in the world. She is exposed to women authors of color, like Maya Angelou: “I had never read stories about people who looked like me, about girls who had been touched and told to be quiet about it” (130). She plays volleyball on the boys’ volleyball team, although she is annoyed she is not on the girls’ team. She speaks to the problems trans women face when competing in gendered sports. As a leader on the team, she finds respect that she had not previously experienced. When she embarks on transitioning during her sophomore year of high school, she quits the team because they force her to remain on the boys’ team. She finds friends amongst the other girl volleyball players, and they compliment her photos. Even though she feels like they don’t understand her, she projects a self-confidence—however fake—that makes her classmates accept her. She still hangs out with Wendi all the time, and they hitch rides with strangers to see one another and to go shopping. They become regulars at the MAC counter where the salesgirls make them feel accepted, and Wendi finds her passion for makeup. Wendi makes hip pads out of shoulder pads from blazers to give them fuller figures.

They stroll along the main streets all done up: “We’d gallivant outside, cackling at each other and flirting with military guys and tourists” (134). They meet some of the sex workers that stroll along the same streets. Wendi begins hormone replacement therapy, and Mock is excited, but Wendi tells her that it’s not a miracle drug that will fix everything. Wendi starts getting injections, and gives her pills to Mock, which Mock pays for with her lunch money. Mock reflects on the relative privilege of being a trans girl in Hawaii, which has a vast and knowledgeable trans community and doctors who do not try to dissuade trans patients from undergoing treatments or surgeries. Both of these aspects made Mock’s transitioning easier and make her experience unique in comparison to the vast majority of trans youth, who are typically categorized as having gender dysphoria and whose doctors and health insurances view gender-affirming surgeries as cosmetic. Mock reflects on the lack of health services many trans people can access.

After a few months on Premarin, Mock starts to gain weight, retain water, and break out in acne, although she also finds desirable side effects, such as smooth skin and sensitive nipples in her burgeoning breasts. Wendi, on the other hand, gets clearer skin and remains relatively flat-chested. Mock hides her breasts when she is home but flaunts them in public. Mock also finds she is more emotional and becomes distraught when “I was forced to engage with my penis” (138).