Symptoms of Being Human

Riley is discharged from the hospital on Thursday morning, plagued with guilt that their parents are taking time away from work and the reelection campaign to take care of them. Riley still refuses to talk with the police, blaming themself for the assault. Doctor Ann reassures Riley that their feelings “are normal reactions to what [they’ve] been through” (278), and their parents try to convince them not to worry about the impact on their father’s campaign, but Riley finds their assurances difficult to believe.

Sick of feeling victimized, Riley researches written accounts of violence against transgender people, angry that surviving means they are “one of the lucky ones” (282). Riley is also angry at themself for being “unable—or unwilling—to do anything” to help themself or anyone else. Realizing they need to stop isolating, Riley leaves the house to seek out Bec.

The lights are off at Bec’s house, but Riley looks into Bec’s window and finds her there, exhausted and having apparently chopped much of her hair off after dropping her phone into the toilet. Bec blames herself for what happened to Riley. She reveals that her brother Erik is the one who hacked Riley’s blog after they came over to the house to study, handing over his findings to Vickers in order to “get in good with the team” (287), and that Vickers is the one who leaked the news about Riley to the press.

Riley, now aware that Bec has seen all their posts about her and doubting Bec’s intentions, accuses Bec of viewing Riley as a “project” to compensate for not being able to save Gabi. Riley screams and Bec comforts them despite their attempts to physically push her away. The noise wakes Bec’s mother, and Bec leaves to check on her. When she returns, Riley apologizes for what they said.

Bec explains that when the news broke about Riley, she was worried they would try to hurt themself like Gabi did. Riley tells her that over the summer, they overdosed on Xanax and whiskey after Derek distanced himself due to Riley’s feelings for him. Riley transferred from Immaculate Heart after the PE teacher stopped an incident in the locker room similar to what happened with Vickers. Riley hoped things would be better at a different school, but “there are people like that everywhere” (294). Bec apologizes for not staying with them at the hospital, and the two hold hands.

When Riley gets home, their parents express worry over Riley leaving unexpectedly, and the three sit down to talk. Though their parents admit that gender fluidity is a new concept to them, they tell Riley they love them no matter what, and ask for Riley’s help navigating issues regarding gender identity. Afterward, Riley tells them that they’re ready to give a statement to the police, asking their parents to sit with them while they make the phone call.

Riley informs Doctor Ann that Jim Vickers has been arrested following Riley’s statement to the police. Riley also suspects that one of the other boys involved in the assault came forward. The police are still trying to find the anonymous message sender, unable to glean any evidence from Vickers’s personal phone or computer. Doctor Ann asks Riley if they ever ask themself why the internet stalking and assault happened, but Riley doesn’t know “if I want to know, or if it even matters” (301).

After checking in on Riley’s anxiety and recommending a temporary minor adjustment to their medication, Doctor Ann asks how their parents are adjusting to knowing Riley is gender fluid. Riley says that their father is “being cool about it [but he] might not believe it’s a real thing” (302), and that their mother seems “disappointed” that she can’t “take me shopping for [either] a tux or prom dress” (303), but overall both parents are supportive despite not fully understanding.

Riley plans to return to school the following day, and though Doctor Ann is surprised, she supports Riley’s decision as long as it’s coming from an internal desire, and not from anyone else.

On the drive to school the next morning, Solo tells Riley that the police have questioned Sierra due to rumors that she is the one who vandalized Riley’s locker. Riley realizes that if Sierra is responsible, then she is also the one behind the threatening messages sent to Riley’s blog. Riley opens up about the harassment they received on their blog, expressing worry that Sierra will retaliate against Riley for Vickers’s arrest. Solo reassures Riley that he and the rest of the football team will make sure no one messes with them.

The first day back at school comes with a lot of unwanted attention and anxiety for Riley, since the assault has “dominated the news” (309) in the ten days since it happened. On the way to class, though, Casey Reese, who has cut his hair and is now wearing a bow tie, tells Riley, “I’m a boy. And you gave me the courage to say that out loud” (310). Seeing Casey’s confidence and recognizing the positive impact they’ve had on his coming out, Riley makes a call to Mike/Michelle.

After French class, Riley has a run-in with Sierra, who was absent during AP English. She is defensive, saying that she “didn’t have anything to do with what Jimmy did” (311). Solo steps forward to protect Riley, but they stop him, turning to Sierra and telling her that they won’t “stop being who I am just because you don’t like it” (312). This seems to break through Sierra’s tough exterior, and she mutters what Riley thinks might be an apology before walking away.

As Riley, Solo, and Bec are heading to the cafeteria, Riley begins to have a full panic attack, but they insist on walking through no matter what happens. When the three of them make it to the Gauntlet, Riley stops and looks around. Though there are some looks and whispers in their direction, there is no significant incident, and Riley is relieved to see their peers as “just a bunch of people eating lunch” (314). Riley, Solo, and Bec walk out of the cafeteria and head off campus for lunch.

That night, Riley talks to their parents about the panel at Trans Health Con the following day: The interaction with Casey “inspired me to do more than just blog” (317). Their parents are concerned about Riley’s privacy and it being too soon after the assault, but after Riley insists this is the best opportunity to “speak up for people like me” (318), their parents allow them to talk on the panel.

On the morning before the conference, Riley asks their mother to take them shopping, and they put together an outfit Riley loves. Later, Solo and Bec arrive late to pick Riley up, and Riley asks to sit in the front to prevent carsickness due to their anxiety. As they head into the building for the panel, Riley has a panic attack, flashing back to the assault when the sun reminds them of the headlights of Jim Vickers’s truck. When Bec comforts Riley, Riley tries to kiss her and is confused when she stops them. After a moment Bec, pulls them in for a kiss before the three of them head into the conference.

Mike/Michelle and Kanada are waiting for them when Riley makes it to the conference hall. Mike/Michelle warns Riley that the panel room is filled with reporters and photographers from “every news station in the greater Los Angeles area” (324), but Riley already knows this—they made the media aware of the panel through their blog.

Riley walks into the conference hall to a crowd of 500, made up of a mix of press and conference attendees, the latter group shouting their support for “Alix.” The reporters interrupt Mike/Michelle as she announces the start of the panel, asking Riley if their coming out will negatively affect their father’s campaign, but Mike/Michelle gets the crowd back under control. During the panel, the questions are directed mostly toward the two adult panelists, but Riley talks briefly about how they came to start the blog and sought to “give the advice I’d want someone to give me” (327). At the end of the panel, Riley makes a closing statement saying that they want the pain they’ve been through to have meaning, but in order to do that, they have to take a stand by refusing to hide who they are.

The room erupts into applause, and then devolves into chaos as the media takes over the Q&A. While the media is too distracted by their own shouting to notice, Riley’s father sneaks into the room incognito. Reassured by the presence of their loved ones, Riley quiets the press down. Looking out at the faces they recognize in the crowd and closing their eyes, Riley for the first time completes an anxiety management tactic they learned from Doctor Ann involving picturing a blackboard and painting it white.