The Impossible Knife of Memory

Andy takes Hayley out to the backyard, which has been freshly mowed by a couple soldiers. The men are building a fire pit. Andy’s friend Roy chats with them about when Hayley was a baby. Hayley is surprised to hear her dad mention her mom, Rebecca. Hayley is also surprised that her dad is sober and having fun. He is also telling war stories, which he normally hates doing.

Michael, Andy’s friend from high school, arrives. Hayley does not like him because he is creepy and she suspects he sells her dad weed. She decides she would rather go to the football game.

Once at the football game, Hayley thinks writing about the match would be pointless, but she does not want to go home. She texts Gracie, but Gracie is at the movies. As she is deciding to bike around, Finn finds her. He has a tray of food and some flowers. She asks where his date is, and he offers to introduce her. He plans to meet her on the hill to the side of the field because it is “more romantic than cement bleachers” (92).

Hayley follows Finn up the hill where others are watching the halftime band. She tells Finn he got dumped and asks the date’s name. He gives her the flowers and says that she is his date.

Hayley wants to know why Finn did not ask her out. He says he did not want her to reject him. They sit on a blanket and watch the rest of the game. When the others on the hill leave, they lie down and hide from the security officers so they can stay. Hayley warns Finn not to try any moves on her. He moves further away so she is more comfortable. He tells her to close her eyes and count to 20. When she opens them, she sees all the stars in the sky.

Finn says he will not try anything physical unless she wants him to. Unsure, Hayley says they are on an “anti-date” (97). As they watch the stars, she takes his hand. After an hour, Finn drives her home. He asks if she is having a party when he sees all the cars parked outside the house. She tells him they are soldiers on leave. She admits she had a good time but still insists it was not a date. She wants to kiss Finn, but two soldiers are outside, so she leaves.

Hayley finds her dad, his friend Roy, and several other soldiers by the bonfire. Although her dad is still only drinking soda, “his good mood of the afternoon had vanished” (100). Finn texts Hayley after she gets in bed. She replies that the “flowers were sweet” and the “stars spectacular” (101). She panics waiting for a reply. Finn texts that he “didn’t notice any stars” (102) because she was next to him.

In the morning, Hayley considers whether Finn’s text was serious. Andy is cooking breakfast. Roy wants him to go with the group to the mountains. Hayley tries to convince him to go, but he refuses. Wanting her dad to be happy, she offers to go, too, though she wants to spend more time with Finn. Andy gets angry and refuses again.

Outside, Roy asks Hayley if her dad is in therapy. She says no and that he drinks too much. She reveals that her dad gets panic attacks from thinking there is danger everywhere and that he cannot hold a job. During their conservation, she has a flashback of making a care package for her dad with her grandma. She asks Roy why her dad is so unwell. He says that emotional damage is hard to fix. She begs Roy to stay with her dad, but he says he cannot. A soldier tells them that Andy wants everyone to leave.

Andy starts drinking beer next to the bonfire even though it is 10 in the morning. Hayley texts Finn. She knows her dad wants her to leave, but she stays because she is concerned about his “beer for breakfast” (110). She throws some rocks in the fire, and Andy tells her to stop because they could explode. They argue about why he did not go with Roy and why he does not go to the VA. Hayley’s phone buzzes with text messages as they argue. Her dad demands she give him the phone. She angrily tells him he is “a mess” (114) who does not act like a parent. He grabs her, and she fears he will hit her for the first time. Though he lets go, she remains both angry and afraid. When her phone rings, he throws it into the bonfire.

In a memory recounted from Andy’s perspective, he goes to a mountain village. The day before, his men were attacked by grenade launchers shot from a house in the village. Several men on each side were killed. After, the Americans destroyed the house. Now, Andy’s interpreter tells him that the Americans destroyed the wrong house: The one they destroyed was “filled with children and mothers and toothless grandmothers” (116). The elderly villagers yell at him, and though he does not speak the language, he “understand[s] every word they say” (116).

In the cafeteria, Gracie’s boyfriend Topher teases Hayley about attending the football game with Finn. Gracie seems distracted and upset. Topher says Finn has been trying to reach Hayley; she replies that her phone died. After her dad threw her phone in the fire, he bought her a new one. She did not thank him. She tells Topher that Finn is lying about the football game being a date. Gracie and Topher argue, and Finn joins the table. As Gracie leaves, Topher says that she is upset about her parents but will not talk about it. He goes to find her.

Finn asks Hayley to write the article about the football game. He also asks if she hates him since she did not answer his texts or calls. She explains that her phone broke and shows him her new one. They joke and flirt. Topher comes back and says Gracie “is seriously freaking out. In the bathroom” (123).

Outside the bathroom, a group of girls claiming to be Gracie’s friends tell Hayley not to go in. They do not know Gracie’s name, so Hayley forces her way in to find Gracie crying on the floor. She describes her troubles at home: Her dad cheated on her mom multiple times, and they fight and yell all the time. Hayley cannot picture Gracie’s parents fighting the way her dad and Trish did. She hugs and comforts Gracie, tearing up too. Gracie says her mom wants a divorce. She takes a pill hidden in a mint box and offers one to Hayley, who declines. She invites Gracie to her community service after school.

Gracie goes with Hayley to St. Anthony’s Nursing Home and Care Center. In the Activity Room, Hayley sits with an elderly woman named Doris. Twice, Doris asks when her sister is coming. Hayley does not know and plays cards with her. They play “by Doris Rules” (133) because Doris gets confused and makes up new rules. Again, Doris asks when her sister is coming. As Gracie organizes the board games, Hayley wonders about Doris and “which was better: being alive (if that was the right word) but not remembering anything, or being dead?” (135).

A nurse arrives, and Doris asks if she will see her sister. When Hayley gets her community service form signed, she learns that Doris’s sister died 70 years ago. The nurse says it is good that Doris is forgetful because she always expects her sister; “imagine how awful it would be if she realized that she’d never see Annabelle again” (136).

Hayley finds Gracie crying outside the nursing home. Gracie says her mom has been calling her, worried she will go to the quarry where people commit suicide. Hayley shares that “the nurse thinks that Doris is lucky because she can’t remember her life. She doesn’t understand how much she’s lost” (138). Gracie’s grandma had Alzheimer’s. After her grandma and grandpa died within days of each other, her family started to heal by having picnics by their graves.

At home, Andy is showered and sober. Hayley asks where her grandma’s grave is. He says he will take her tomorrow, but she wants to go right away. At the cemetery, they walk through the headstones. Andy tells her, “this time of day [...] when the sun is below the horizon, but it’s still light enough to see, [is] called ‘civil twilight’” (141-42). He says he cannot remember another word for it.

Andy finds the headstones for Hayley’s grandma and her mom; she did not know her mom’s grave was there too. Andy says he misses “everybody” but it “doesn’t do any good to dwell on it” (143). He shows her the spot he will be buried in. Hayley is overcome with sadness. Just then, her dad remembers the word “gloaming,” which is “that short, murky time between half-light and dark” (144).

By now, Finn regularly drives Hayley to school, and they spend a lot of time together. Hayley frets about her inexperience, worried that she does not know “The Rules” (146) of dating while Finn does. She cannot ask him, Gracie, or her dad for help figuring it out. She does not know if she wants to be in a relationship with Finn. Conflicted, she decides to stick to flirting because she just wants to survive school and the “bomb that had started ticking inside [her] father’s head” (149).

Other students at school still gossip about her and Finn. The other girls are mad because they like Finn. Hayley also learns that he quit the swim team, though no one knows why. She wonders if everyone is really having sex like they say they are.

Hayley gets detention from her history teacher because of an argument about the Mexican-American War. She tells Finn that she knows a lot about history because her dad majored in history and taught it to her. Finn makes flirtatious math jokes. She requests a ride home, and he asks her if she will go on an “anti-date” with him instead. She agrees, and they go to the quarry.

At the quarry, Hayley climbs the 10-foot fence, though Finn tries to stop her because it is not allowed. She argues that they are already breaking the rules by being there. Finn climbs over to stop her from going to the edge; he is worried the ground will collapse, but Hayley is not. He says he has to go with her because of “Man Law” (158), which annoys Hayley. He asks her to approach the edge while sitting down because he thinks it is safer.

Hayley enjoys the view of the quarry from the edge, but Finn is terrified. She wonders how a swimmer could be afraid of heights. He replies that he never did the high dives, and Hayley admits she does not know how to swim. She has a flashback of being in water and calling for her dad. Finn offers to teach her how to swim, and she makes a counter offer: He can teach her if he lets his legs go over the edge. Finn does it.

Hayley says she loves heights, spreading her arms out but almost falling. Finn pulls her back, to Hayley’s confusion. She thinks, “I didn’t almost fall. It felt more like something wanted to pull me into the air, but that was crazy, right?” (163). Finn asks if she hates him. She says no and asks if he hates her. Finn says that he does not hate her either.