The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love, and Loss

1.  “91 years ago on this day, I was born.

I recall a note from my Aunt Gertrude, received on a birthday long ago.

‘Just think, today you are 17 whole years old!’ she wrote.

Well today—I am 91 whole years old—a hell of a lot wiser, but somewhere still 17.

What is the answer?

What is the secret?

Is there one?”

Vanderbilt’s first email in her and her son’s conversation, on her 91st birthday, details how she has trouble seeing herself as her age. This shows Vanderbilt’s sentimentality, as she remembers her 17th birthday with her aunt and considers how she has changed since that day. She also begins to contemplate the meaning and purpose of the world as she approaches her final years and wonders what else she has to learn before she goes.

“I know now that it’s never too late to change the relationship you have with someone important in your life: a parent, a child, a lover, a friend. All it takes is a willingness to be honest and to shed your old skin, to let go of the long-standing assumptions and slights you still cling to.

I hope what follows will encourage you to think about your own relationships and perhaps help you start a new kind of conversation with someone you love.

After all, if not now, when?”

Cooper addresses the audience directly, inviting them to share a conversation with someone they love like he did with his mother, which changed their relationship and allowed him to get to know her better. Amid his mother’s health problems, he is becoming aware that he does not have much time left and realizes that nobody knows when it will be too late to connect more with their loved ones. His invitation to the audience also reflects the memoir’s genre, as it is an inspirational memoir meant to make people think about their lives after reading his and his mother’s life stories.

“You used to quote a writer, Mary Gordon, who said, ‘A fatherless girl thinks all things possible and nothing safe.’

For a long time I didn’t understand what that meant or how it related to you. Now I do understand, and I think it’s true of fatherless boys as well. I certainly think it applies to me.”

Cooper uses the quote his mother would often say to connect their shared loss of their fathers and how they both struggled with an increased sense of danger afterward. The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships and Healing From Loss are essential in showing how Vanderbilt’s lack of a relationship with her father and her and Cooper’s grief over losing their fathers caused long-term emotional problems they both needed to confront even into their adult years.

“That I have the name Vanderbilt has always felt like a huge mistake. I felt like I was an imposter, a changeling, perhaps switched at birth, intruding under false pretenses. For me, this feeling has never gone away.”

Vanderbilt uses the folkloric changeling as a metaphor for her feelings of alienation and difference in the Vanderbilt family. This quote demonstrates that she did not feel close to her family, which prevented her from connecting with any Vanderbilts other than Auntie Ger. This was worsened by the absence of her deceased father, one of the only other major Vanderbilts that was present in her life.

“Although an ardent Roman Catholic, Naney found her true God in money and social position. This may be part of the answer to the riddle of why she hatched the elaborate plot that made such a tangled mess of so many lives.”

Vanderbilt establishes Naney’s characteristics of greed and image consciousness and their positive and negative effects on her family. This quote also gives a possible reason for why Naney betrayed her own daughter, implying that her love for her daughter might have been secondary to ensuring her granddaughter’s financial security and prospects. This explains why Vanderbilt became more distant with her as she got older and realized that, while a loving grandmother, she was also a greedy and cunning pragmatist.

“Fear is one of the things I hated about being a child, particularly after Daddy died. I always felt a lack of control over what might happen next. Just as you said you did as a child, I felt like we were adrift on a raft without a rudder.”

Cooper sympathizes with Vanderbilt’s fear and confusion during the custody battle, remembering the feeling of helplessness he struggled with as a child. Cooper is starting to realize how the custody battle affected her and her relationships with her family members. The quote also explores The Pitfalls of Growing Up in a Wealthy Family by showing how Vanderbilt’s family’s manipulation of her resulted in a stressful situation that put her under intense public scrutiny.

“It took great courage for you to confide in me, and I wished you had stayed longer so that we could have talked more, but I understood that after telling me something so important you needed time alone to get back to yourself.”

Vanderbilt admires Cooper’s decision to come out to her despite his hesitancy and expresses sympathy for how difficult it was for him knowing about her mother’s scandal. She expresses that her initial reaction was the result of her still trying to come to terms with the complicated relationship she had with her mother. However, she completely supports him and understands now that society was wrong to shame her mother for being with another woman and knows there is nothing wrong with being gay or lesbian.

“I loved best the scenes when Andy, seeking advice and reassurance, would knock on his dad’s door. His father was always available, never too preoccupied with serious matters to have heart-to-heart talks with his son. He gave him sage advice, I didn’t realize it then, but these films held a secret message for me if Dad is there, everything is safe.

I no longer puzzle over why, throughout my life, I have left men who loved me and whom I loved in return. Nothing ever felt safe, and though it was unfair of me, it felt wiser to abandon them before they abandoned me.”

Vanderbilt connected with the Andy Hardy movies because she envied the father-child relationship the protagonist had. She felt a great lacking as a result and had trouble understanding men, which would lead to her starting and leaving relationships that were not the best for her. This shows The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships as she traces her desire for male guidance to her lack of a male role model in her early years.

“I never told you what I thought about his empty promises until I realized you actually believed them. When I finally told you he wasn’t being honest, you seemed genuinely surprised. After all the men you have known, you still don’t understand them very well at all.”

Cooper notices that Vanderbilt’s lack of a paternal figure in her life caused her to understand little about how men think or act, even as a middle-aged woman. This reflects The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships, with Vanderbilt never having learned how to read men and believing clear lies in her desire to feel loved. Vanderbilt confirms this and acknowledges that she never was able to understand them due to lacking any male figures in her early years.

“While I was proud of your success, it wasn’t mine. I wanted to achieve something on my own.

I am not pretending to be a self-made man. I grew up with tremendous privileges and advantages that others did not. You paid for my education outright, and I have been lucky in countless other ways. But had I believed there was a financial cushion to fall back on, I probably would have made different choices, and I doubt I would have been as driven.”

Cooper notes his independent nature and his desire to make a name for himself rather than relying on the Vanderbilt name, like his parents had done before him. However, he also acknowledges his financial privilege, showing that he understands that he had unique opportunities because of his parents’ wealth. He even states that had they not been clear about him making his own way, then he may not have been as hardworking. This highlights The Pitfalls of Growing Up in a Wealthy Family by showing how it can potentially cause indolence if the family and the person do not emphasize work.

“Of course, this is something he can never have. It is a fleeting image; it exists only in the moment that he’s seen it, and represents the idea of never being satisfied.”

Vanderbilt uses the tree from E. B. White’s story, which she had quoted as a symbol and motif, to connect to her own difficulty finding satisfaction and contentment in her life. She traces this to the absence of her father and notes The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships in why she is so restless. She is more self-aware now in her later years, showing that she has grown and worked toward being more satisfied while still maintaining her passion for life, beauty, and new experiences.

“When Sidney and I separated, Richard Avedon said to me, ‘I don’t know if the kind of happiness you’re looking for exists anywhere.’”

In this passage, another person sees Vanderbilt’s insatiability and openly addresses the resulting patterns of behavior, such as her leaving her marriage to Sidney. The statement made Vanderbilt realize he was right, something she reflects on now that she is older. She says that she struggled to find happiness in her father’s absence, showing The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships, something that would not improve until her marriage to Wyatt.

“From the time we were little, you treated us as if our ideas mattered. You and Daddy encouraged us to form our own opinions, and listened when we expressed them. We were not just children in your eyes; we were people who deserved respect. That was a powerful lesson.”

When Vanderbilt questions whether it would have been better if she died and Wyatt lived and expresses her insecurity as a parent, Cooper assures her that she has been a wonderful mother to him and Carter. As an example, he notes the respect she had for them, even as children, and how she included them in gatherings and activities. This comforts Vanderbilt and emphasizes The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships by showing how she was a good mother, unlike her own mother, which allowed her and Cooper to have the mother-child relationship she never had.

“Her arms once again around me, I knew I was home. She led me up to her room, on the second floor of the Schillers’ house, where a tray on a bureau held hot chocolate, whipped cream, and cookies studded with sugar that sparkled like diamonds.”

Vanderbilt’s physical reunion with Dodo reminded her that Dodo was her true mother and made her feel safe and happy. The imagery of the house and the food gives the passage a sentimental and light mood, showing how doting Dodo was to her. The passage helps establish the perseverance of the mother-daughter bond between Dodo and Vanderbilt and, thus, The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships, as Dodo helped her in the years to come.

“That I was not by Dodo’s side to see her through to death, as she had been by my side to see me through in life, is one of my greatest sorrows and haunts me to this day.”

Vanderbilt’s quote reflects the immense pain and regret she feels for not going to see Dodo before her death and how she still has trouble coming to terms with that decision. She feels that she betrayed Dodo because Dodo had been with her since she was an infant and had been a better mother to her than her own mother was. She still struggles to heal from that loss and feel at peace with that regret, emphasizing The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships and Healing From Loss.

“I have heard it said that the greatest loss a human being can experience is the loss of a child. This is true. The person you were before, you will never be again; it doesn’t just change you, it demolishes you. The rest of your life is spent on another level, the level of those who have lost a child.”

Vanderbilt reflects on Carter’s suicide as a grieving mother. She addresses the audience and Cooper, telling them that the pain a parent feels after losing a child is unbearable and devastating. The quote shows that she still struggles with Healing From Loss in the aftermath of Carter’s death and that because he was her son, the pain will never ease.

“You and I are different in how we handle grief. I know for you it’s important to talk to people. I remember in the days after Carter’s death you would tell everyone who came to the apartment what had happened. Reliving the horror over and over again helped you and I was glad something did, but I found it hard to talk about what I was feeling. In times of crisis, I grow silent. I wish I were better at talking about painful things.”

Cooper’s comparison of his and Vanderbilt’s methods of grieving and Healing From Loss reflects the differences in their personalities. Vanderbilt’s need to talk to others shows that she prefers to lean on other people as she grieves and heals. However, Cooper could not talk about his feelings for a long time, showing his discomfort with leaning on other people, especially after terrible, tragic events like Carter’s death.

“I’ve never heard you mention the demon of rage before. It surprises me, because I have often felt that I, too, am fueled by rage, and I have only ever told a few people that.

It is not the ‘rage to live’ you wrote about before, but rage at the unfairness of losing my dad and Carter. It is like a hot furnace that fuels a ship across the sea, but this rage requires no tending; no one needs to stoke its coals. It burns continuously, powering me forward through calm seas and rough.”

Cooper asserts that he is similar to Vanderbilt, experiencing the same restlessness and rage that keep him moving forward in life. This later leads him to say that he believes he is more like Vanderbilt than his father, as they both have an intense drive to succeed. It also shows that his rage is different, coming more from his sense of how wrong it was that he had to lose both his father and his brother so quickly and so tragically, highlighting his Healing From Loss.

“Even though you lost your father when you were ten, you knew that there wasn’t a moment from birth when you didn’t have and know his support. How fully, completely, he loved you and Carter. Although only those years were given, they were enough for him to pass on to you the values that have made you the person you are: my son, treasured each moment of my life.”

After Cooper’s assertion that he is more like her, Vanderbilt disagrees. She states that he is like his father and that, unlike her, he got to experience his father’s love and support in his early years, allowing him to grow into a successful and caring man. This shows The Importance of Strong Parent-Child Relationships by establishing that Cooper had more guidance in his early life than she did through his relationship with his father.

“The mother I feared has in memory become the exquisitely beautiful woman whom I longed to get attention from as a child. Today I am fulfilled as I pass by her portrait hanging in my living room; she is here now, though she wasn’t there then. That is good enough for me.

Dodo, whom I truly loved and who was always there for me, is now, alas, not. It ended tragically, and there remains a scream of silent pain, but she is here in photographs and letters written to me over the years. It must suffice.”

Vanderbilt uses her mother’s portrait and Dodo’s photographs as symbols of her lingering memories with them and their continued presence in her life after their deaths. The pictures help Vanderbilt make peace with how her relationships turned out and help in her Healing From Loss. The word “suffice” also shows that the healing process is ongoing for Vanderbilt and will likely always be.

“We are very similar in this way, but I am usually lost in thought thinking about the future, and you are reviewing moments from your past. I wish sometimes we could break out of ourselves and just be in the present, but it’s not easy for either of us.”

Cooper compares their restlessness inability to focus on the present and establishes a contrast between Vanderbilt’s fixation with the past and Cooper’s fixation with the future. He is noticing more of her traits and recognizing the ways that their experiences affect their focuses. This also helps establish their difficulty understanding each other at times.

“I had drawers full of photographs, snapshots from my childhood, and I keep telling myself that someday I will go through them, but I haven’t yet. It’s as if I’m compiling evidence, as a reporter gathers facts for a story, but for now I find it too difficult to open the drawers.”

Cooper uses photographs’ symbolism of the past to show his contrasting attitude with Vanderbilt. While Vanderbilt frequently focuses on the past and is quite sentimental throughout the memoir, Cooper prefers to focus on the future, making plans for what will and might happen. For this reason, he has trouble getting to the task of sorting through and revisiting his photographs and the memories that come with them.

“I find it reassuring knowing the rainbow comes and goes. It helps me accept the way things often are.

In every life, you have moments of blinding beauty and happiness, and then you land in a dark cave and there is no color, no sky. Then the rainbow returns, sometimes only briefly, but it always does come back. You have to believe that it will, even in the darkest of times. That belief is what is really important.”

Vanderbilt uses the rainbow in Wordsworth’s poem “Ode: Intimations of Immortality From Recollections of Early Childhood” to symbolize the cyclical nature of happiness and sorrow, which helped Cooper’s and Vanderbilt’s Healing From Loss. She compares the rainbow to good times and darkness to bad times; like the rainbow, happiness and beauty always return even amid pain and misfortune. Cooper also finds it reassuring, but from the perspective that he can know good times will appear and still prepare and survive if he does not see them.