Vanishing Acts

“You can’t exist in this world without leaving a piece of yourself behind.”

While this excerpt seems like a philosophical interjection, Delia is being literal. The human body is constantly shedding scents and skin cells that someone or something can track. These scent trails are key to Delia and Greta’s work. This quote also foreshadows Andrew’s arrest later in the story, as he has left pieces of his former life behind that others can follow.

“Me—a tomboy who spent hours in the company of boys pretending to be a swashbuckling privateer, or an archeologist searching for relics, a girl who had only once been the damsel in distress, and even then had rescued herself—I had written only a single wild wish. One day, I’d written, I will be a mother.”

Delia reveals a lot about herself in this quote. First, she illustrates her wild and adventurous childhood. Delia also reveals an unfortunate misunderstanding that being an adventurous tomboy somehow precludes her from the more traditionally feminine role of mother. She is so embarrassed about this wish that she hides it from her best friends. Hiding important information is a running theme throughout this work, and this is the first time Delia does it.

“It takes two people to make a lie work: the person who tells it, and the one who believes it.”

This quote highlights the collaborative and interactive nature of deception, emphasizing that for a lie to be successful, both the liar and the person who accepts the lie must play their respective roles. Delia admits to being a willing participant in both Eric’s and her father’s lies. While they are responsible for creating the illusion, Delia’s desire to believe the illusion prevents her from questioning it.

“I told so many lies that I honestly started to believe them, because it was easier to play the game than to try to sort them all out in my head […] you can fool yourself, you know. You’d think it’s impossible, but it turns out it’s the easiest thing of all.”

Multiple characters ponder the ease of lying to oneself, and this scene is one of the first occurrences. This quote foreshadows later events where Andrew questions his relationship with Elise and his realization that the person he loved was a product of alcohol addiction. This quote also supports the theme of Misdirection, Illusion, and Lies by demonstrating how characters create and support their illusions through lies.

“Love is not an equation, as your father once wanted me to believe. It’s not a contract and it’s not a happy ending. It is the slate under the chalk and the ground buildings rise from and the oxygen in the air. It is the place I come back to, no matter where I’ve been headed. I loved you, Bethany, because you were the one relationship I never had to earn. You arrived in this world loving me more, even when I did not deserve it.”

Elise is the first character to realize that there is a time When Love Is Not Enough. Love was not enough to preserve Elise’s relationship with Andrew, and this section foreshadows that love is not enough to save Elise and Delia’s relationship. Elise compares love to rocks and oxygen. For Elise, love is her foundation and essential to her existence. However, Elise wonders if she is worthy of this love. This insecurity is what destroys her relationships.

“I should have admitted to myself far earlier that the things I loved about Elise, the impulsiveness and the craziness and the spur-of-the-moment outlook were not really part of her personality, but a product of the alcohol. That when she didn’t drink, she was so insecure that nothing I said or did was enough to convince her that I loved her.”

Andrew acknowledges his illusion of Elise. He lied to himself that Elise’s personality while intoxicated was her normal personality despite all indications to the contrary. Unfortunately, the person Andrew loved did not exist. The qualities he loved the most were not Elise but created through alcohol. Andrew’s memories focused on the fun and overlooking the alcohol addiction until he could no longer lie to himself without risking Delia’s safety.

“She was named for her father’s clan, but she belonged to mine […] When she got initiated, she got a new name. And in school, she was called Louise by the teachers. What I’m saying is that what you’re called is hardly ever who you are.”

Ruthann soothes Delia, who is trying to reconstruct her self-identity. Delia points out that she never knew her real name, which Ruthann illustrates has little to do with a person’s identity. These words are a balm to Delia, who is questioning her identity as Bethany Matthews instead of Cordelia Hopkins. This quote alludes to the famous “a rose by any other name would smell as sweet” quote from Shakespeare.

“‘You’re missing the point,’ I say. ‘What if memories get stored in the brain and they aren’t even necessarily the ones we’ve had? What if we’re hard-wired with a whole iceberg of experiences, and our minds use only a tip of them?’”

This quote foreshadows Delia recovering some memories. Delia questions the reliability of memories before she regains any of them. Despite this early skepticism, Delia will argue vehemently for the accuracy of her memory later in the story. Delia’s argument here echoes the argument made by the expert witness later in the trial.

“If you don’t want someone to change your life for you again, Dee, you’ve got to change it for yourself.”

In New Hampshire, Delia felt in control of her life, only to discover that her feeling of control stemmed from a lack of information. In Arizona, Delia’s life continually spirals out of her control, yet she does little to try to regain her autonomy. Here, Fitz encourages Delia to take control of her circumstances as part of her journey to rediscover her identity.

“That’s the crazy thing about lies. You start to believe them, yourself.”

At some point in the novel, all the characters admit to falling or almost falling for their own lies. This quote supports the theme of The Vagaries of Memory, as people can convince themselves of false memories. Likewise, it reinforces the Misdirection, Illusion, and Lies theme, demonstrating how people can even fool themselves into believing their illusions. Fitz works hard to convince himself that his behavior toward Delia is motivated by friendship and not by his love for her.

“The truth is, if I do miraculously put the right words together, it’s by default, because I’ve already used up all the wrong ones. And when you get right down to it, what I don’t say is probably more important than what I do.”

As one of the quieter characters, Fitz reveals less about himself than do the other characters. He lacks confidence in his writing. This passage also hints at a central conflict of this novel: the importance of things left unsaid. Fitz, in particular, still has not told Delia that he loves her, which is the most important thing about him in this story.

“Even if I had been free to tell Delia anything and everything, I still wouldn’t have done it. As Andrew has been trying to explain for weeks: It was easier to hide the truth than to hurt her.”

This statement is the core of most of Delia’s problems in the story. The people closest to Delia argue that they love her too much to cause her pain. A shared belief emerges among Delia’s inner circle—Andrew, Eric, and Fitz—that withholding information is the optimal shield for her well-being. This belief is an illusion. When Delia discovers the truth, the concealment hurts her far more than the truth they were hiding. Rather than protecting Delia, these men seek to protect themselves from the weight of Delia’s pain.

“‘What if disappearing wasn’t the most cataclysmic event of your life?’

‘What else would be?’

Ruthann lifts her face to the sun. ‘Coming back,’ she says.”

Ruthann always offers a reasonable counterpoint to Delia’s view. While Delia focuses on the kidnapping as the most damaging thing to happen to her, she does not even remember it. The abduction led her to settle in a place she loves and to work she enjoys. The kidnapping, as Ruthann points out, is not the problem. The problems Delia experiences are all related to returning to Arizona. This quote illustrates how different people view the same event in differing ways. This quote foreshadows later moments where characters recall different versions, particularly regarding Delia’s sexual assault.

“I love my father, and I know that he was right to take me. But I am a mother, and I can’t imagine having my child stolen away. The problem is that this isn’t a case of either/or.

My mother and father are both right.

And at the same time, they were both wrong.”

One of the illusions most people believe about the law is that there is a clear right and wrong. Unfortunately, it is rarely that easy. The motivations and reasonings behind certain crimes can make them justifiable. Delia grapples with this concept without deciding on an answer, yet another ambiguity in this work.

“You make yourself strong because it’s expected of you. You become confident because someone beside you is unsure. You turn into the person others need you to be.”

Andrew addresses his self-identity or, rather, the illusion he presented. He feels he was forced into being strong because others needed his protection. This illusion crumbles when Andrew realizes he cannot survive in prison. This is a turning point in his character, where he reveals many of his secrets to survive.

“I was paying attention even when I told myself I wasn’t. If his voice hasn’t been the melody of my lie, it’s been the bass line, so subtle you don’t notice it until it’s missing.”

Again, Delia supports The Vagaries of Memory. Despite believing she was not listening to Fitz, she remembers most of what he had to say. Delia has been laboring under the illusion that Fitz is less valuable to her than Eric when he is just as important.

“I walk back to the courthouse. It’s not that I believe, exactly. It’s just that, as with most acts of faith, I can’t afford not to.”

Delia explains her reasoning for following the mojo bag instructions. Whether the mojo bag is effective or not, it creates an illusion of control in chaotic circumstances—an illusion Delia desperately needs. This is one of the few examples of Delia actively participating in the spiritualism and rituals that permeate the book.

“I wish I could explain the feeling when a piece of you suddenly reattaches, a piece you weren’t even aware was gone. You are afraid to speak, because you don’t know what might come out of your own mouth. You begin to question whether you’re making this up, whether everything you’ve thought to this point is just a lie.

You want more, and you’re terrified to have it.”

Throughout the trial, Delia slowly begins the painful process of recovering her memories. Even Delia struggles to ascertain if these new memories are real or another illusion. This slow recovery causes Delia to question herself and her self-identity. This quote reinforces the vagaries of memory theme as Delia doubts her memories and their origin.

“‘Why don’t any of us tell you anything?’ I respond. ‘We love you.’”

Fitz states the thoughts of most of the male characters in the story. No one wants to hurt Delia because they love her. As such, they keep information from her, which hurts her more. Fitz is the first character to realize these omissions hurt Delia deeply. As such, unprompted, he begins to share his secrets with Delia, which is a turning point in their relationship.

“I realize, suddenly, that everyone is a liar. Memories are like a still life painted by ten different student artists: some will be blue-based; others red; some will be stark as Picasso and others as rich as Rembrandt; some will be foreshortened and others distant. Recollections are in the eye of the beholder; no two held up side by side will ever quite match.”

Though Delia states that everyone is a liar, she realizes that, at the same time, everyone believes they are telling the truth. This quote supports the vagaries of memory theme as Delia meditates on how past experiences color a person’s view of events. While these people believe their version is the truth, this is both an illusion and a lie.

“‘So a memory might change over time?’

‘It most likely will. But interestingly, it seems to retain its mutations. Distortions become part of the memory in subsequent recalls.’

‘Are some memories true, then, while some are false?’ Emma asks.

‘Yes. And some are a mixture of books we’ve read or movies we’ve seen.”

This quote is part of the testimony that makes Delia’s recovered memories inadmissible in court. The expert witness uses prior cases to prove that memories are inaccurate and sometimes even fabricated, casting further doubts on the reliability of Delia’s memory and memories in general.

“We sit for a few more moments, although there’s really nothing left to say. This is new to me, too, an entire conversation that takes place in silence, because the heart has its own language. I will remember what Eric says even though he doesn’t say a word. I will tell it to her.”

In this quote lies the seeds of a future false memory. While this quote intends to illustrate the strength of the relationship between Fitz and Eric, it is just another example of Fitz putting words in Eric’s mouth. There is no way of knowing Eric’s feelings in this exchange. Later, Fitz will share the words he imagined Eric said with Delia, creating yet another false memory.

“It turns out that if you want something to be true badly enough, you can rewrite it that way, in your head. You can even start to believe it.”

Andrew tells Delia that he needed to believe that Victor sexually assaulted her to justify kidnapping her. Andrew needed Victor to be a villain to live with himself and his actions. This also hints at the vagaries of memory theme, as Andrew states that people can believe their lies.