Wink

An overarching theme of Wink is the power that creative self-expression has to liberate people from emotional pain. Rob Harrell gives Ross many ways to manage a difficult situation, including different forms of self-expression (i.e., music and sketching), but it takes Ross some time to express himself without fear of embarrassment. Once Ross discovers that punk music gives him relief from painful feelings, he throws himself into learning to play guitar, which leads to the fearless expression of his authentic, imperfect identity in the novel’s climax.

Ross already had problems with expressing himself before his cancer diagnosis. He admits that he was invisible until his illness made him stick out; he thinks that being invisible, or at least blending in, is a good thing. Cancer changes his inconspicuous status at school to that of the “Sick Kid” who attracts stares and questions wherever he goes. Ross’s natural self-consciousness makes his new situation unbearable, and it gets worse when the side effects from radiation cause constant pain and humiliation. At this point, Ross’s only means of self-expression is his sketchbook, but he doesn’t think very highly of his visual art because he expects too much of himself, idolizing his mother as the one with real artistic talent. He therefore keeps the sketchbook hidden from everyone—even the people he trusts. Though he views this as self-protective, doing so denies Ross the chance to own his identity and free himself from the weight of other people’s judgment.

Abby has long known that playing an instrument would benefit her best friend. Playing the viola makes Abby happy, a fact Ross witnesses when he watches her practice. Similarly, listening to her favorite music group gives Abby joy, whereas Ross tolerates listening to it for her sake. However, Ross’s ambivalence about music changes as a result of his treatments: The radiation center is where he meets Frank, the rock-and-roll radiation tech who introduces him to his kind of music. The music Frank plays becomes Ross’s medium for emotional release and inspires him to learn the guitar. Ross finds out that punk rock suits his needs; he and Jimmy don’t sound great when they play a song by the Ramones, but that doesn’t matter because the experience is exhilarating: “It felt…sort of like going outside and screaming at the top of my lungs—but in the best way possible. At one point I started singing part of the chorus. I wasn’t even embarrassed. It just felt like…letting go” (213). Playing and singing the song, however imperfectly, gives Ross the release he needs to overcome his self-consciousness.

Once Ross discovers the liberating power of authentic self-expression, he has the courage to share his visual art with Jerry. This physical representation of Ross’s feelings foreshadows the climax, when Jerry’s presence convinces Ross that he should care only about performing a song his way with Abby and Jimmy. The performance is loud, messy, intense, and even destructive, and it does elicit wild applause from the entire audience. However, Ross affirms, “It doesn’t matter. It wasn’t for them. What matters is how I feel. How Abby and Jimmy feel. My body is still vibrating from all the volume as we walk offstage, and I’ve never felt better” (306). Expressing his true self releases the emotional pain that cancer has caused Ross. He can now face any difficult situation head-on, free from fear.