Wintergirls

Inside her mother’s house, Lia remembers the summer she was 12. Lia’s grandmother, Nanna Marrigan, came to stay with them when school let out for the summer to keep an eye on Lia. During that summer, Lia went through puberty and her body grew. Lia remembers, “My ballet teacher pinched the extra inches, took away my solo, and told me to stop eating maple-walnut ice cream. I went from being the elegant swan to the ugly duckling that couldn’t walk without tripping over her own feet” (165). Cassie went away to drama camp for the summer. That summer, Lia’s father’s book was a huge success, and Lia’s mother found out about her father’s girlfriend, leading to her parents’ divorce. Soon after, Lia’s father married Jennifer. When Cassie came back from camp, Lia showed Cassie how she had started cutting herself. Lia remembers, “It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care” (166). At her mother’s house, Lia curls up under a heated blanket on the couch and falls back asleep.

Lia wakes up on her mother’s couch. Lia thinks, “Cassie did not visit me last night. That’s a good thing. Maybe she can finally sleep, too” (167). At breakfast, Lia’s mom has laid out several groceries. Lia thinks, “I have to eat a little of something or she’ll go nuts and I am too tired to deal with it” (169). Lia makes herself some toast and coffee. After breakfast, Lia takes a shower. After her shower, her mother calls her down into the family room to talk. Lia’s mother begins asking Lia if she’s sent out her college application or gone on a college tour. Lia responds, “This is stupid. You’re going to lecture me and boss me around, I’m going to yell back, it’ll be like always. We can’t even pretend to get along. I’m out of here” (171). Lia’s mother apologizes and promises no lectures. Lia and her mother decide to watch TV. Later that day, Lia’s mother gets sushi for dinner and tells Lia she has to eat a large size portion of the food. Lia insists she isn’t hungry. Lia’s mother tells Lia she wants her to move back in. Lia answers that she wants to continue living with her father, saying, “Look, I’m eating. I’m healthy. I’m normal. If anything, coming here will trigger me. This is where I lived when it all started. Cassie’s house is right across the street” (174). Finally, Lia agrees to come stay with her mom just for the winter break.

After dinner, Lia goes on her mom’s computer and scrolls through pro-eating disorder blogs. Afterward, Lia visits Cassie’s secret blog. Cassie hadn’t updated the blog in a long time, and she never took it down. Lia thinks back on her friendship with Cassie. In eighth grade, Lia spent New Year’s with Cassie and her family at a ski resort. While the adults were out at a party, Lia and Cassie drank vodka and snuck out of the condo and into the snow. Cassie suggested they swear an oath saying, “It’s midnight, it’s a magic time. Anything we swear tonight will come true” (178). Lia took a knife out of her pocket, cut her palm, and said, “I swear to be the skinniest girl in school, skinnier than you” (179). Both girls cut their palm, rubbed their hands together, and swore to be the skinniest girls in school together.

Later that evening, Lia insists on going back to her father’s, and begins packing up her bags. Before she leaves, she takes a knife from the kitchen and slips it into her purse.

Lia’s engine dies as she pulls into the driveway. Lia knows her father will be mad at her for not addressing the engine sooner, because the red light on the dashboard has been blinking for a while. Lia’s father yells at her. Lia has to take the bus to school now.

Mrs. Parrish, Cassie’s mother, leaves messages for Lia on the home phone asking her to call her back, but Lia never returns the calls. At school, many students speculate that Cassie died of a heroin overdose. Lia considers whether to tell them the truth, but in the end doesn’t say anything. Lia tries calling Elijah several times, but Elijah never returns her calls.

Cassie continues to haunt Lia in Lia’s dreams. Lia thinks, “She hasn’t gone away. If anything, being buried has made her stronger” (182). Some nights, Lia stays up all night to avoid being haunted by Cassie. Lia listens to music and knits, or exercises on the exercise machine in the basement. Sometimes, Lia dozes off and finds herself standing in front of the fridge in the kitchen. Lia continues to force herself to not eat, and her weight continues to drop. Lia keeps a secret emergency box of laxatives and diuretics.

For over two pages, Lia repeats the words “Must. Not. Eat” (185) to herself.

Jennifer purchases a Christmas tree. Lia thinks she prefers winter because “it’s easier to hide under layers of long underwear and turtlenecks, bulky sweatshirts and puffy down padding” (188). Lia alters the scale so that when Jennifer weighs her, the scale reads 104.50, even though Lia now weighs under 100 pounds. Lia overhears Jennifer tell her father they should take Lia to the hospital for a physical, but Lia’s father refuses.

Lia explains, “Adrenaline kicks in when you’re starving. That’s what nobody understands. Except for being hungry and cold, most of the time I feel like I can do anything. It gives me superhuman powers of smell and hearing. I can see what people are thinking, stay two steps ahead of them” (189). Lia remembers that the second time she was checked into the hospital, she weighed 85 pounds. Lia’s goal is to weigh 85 pounds again. However, Lia also knows, “085.00 makes me want 075.00” (190).

Lia’s father travels out of town for work and Jennifer takes Emma to a basketball game, leaving Lia home alone. At the basketball game, Emma trips and breaks her arm, sending her to the ER, and when Emma and Jennifer return home Emma has a cast on her arm. Jennifer asks Lia to go to the drugstore to pick up a prescription for Emma. Lia tells Jennifer she doesn’t feel well enough to drive. Secretly, Lia worries, “I am not sure I weigh enough to press down on the accelerator. I am 093.50 and have a 1,500-calorie deficit for the day. If I total another car, they’ll lock me up and throw away the key” (192). Jennifer insists Lia go anyway.

At the drugstore, Lia has to wait for the prescription. In the meantime, Lia searches for laxatives and diuretics to add to her secret stash. Cassie appears to Lia in the drugstore. Lia tries to make Cassie go away, saying, “You’re a figment of my imagination, or a hallucination […] You do not exist” (195). Cassie tells Lia, “I know how bad you feel. Trapped […] It gets better, I promise” (195). Cassie adds, “You’re not dead, but you’re not alive, either. You’re a wintergirl, Lia-Lia, caught in between the worlds. You’re a ghost with a beating heart. Soon you’ll cross the border and be with me” (195-96). Before she disappears, Cassie reminds Lia that she didn’t answer the phone the night she died.