Wintergirls

Lia takes Thanksgiving leftovers out of the fridge from the week before. Lia remembers that growing up, they used to either go to her maternal grandmother or paternal grandmother’s house and enjoy a big Thanksgiving dinner. Now, Lia’s grandmothers have both passed away and her family no longer gets together for the holidays. This year, Lia, her father, her stepmother, Emma, and two of her father’s graduate students spent Thanksgiving together.

Lia takes leftover stuffing, covers it in ketchup, and microwaves it long enough to make a mess in the microwave. Lia dabs ketchup onto the corner of her mouth to make it look like she ate the meal, then pours the stuffing down the garbage disposal. Jennifer and Emma come home, and Jennifer asks Lia to clean up her mess. Lia cleans up the mess and goes upstairs to her bedroom to do homework but struggles to concentrate. A little while later, Lia hears her dad come into her bedroom. Lia pretends to be asleep. Lia’s dad sits on her bed and says they need to talk. Lia continues to pretend to be asleep. Finally, Lia’s dad says they will talk later and leaves the room. Lia thinks, “We never talk. We just pretend to think about talking, and we mention from time to time that one of these days, we really should sit down and talk. It’ll never happen” (35).

Lia remembers when she was in the third grade and Cassie’s family moved into the house across the street. Cassie’s father was the new principal at their elementary school. Lia’s babysitter took Lia across the street to say hello. Cassie’s mother sent Lia upstairs to play Cassie in her bedroom. Lia and Cassie quickly became best friends.

In fifth grade, Cassie became one of the first girls in their grade to wear a bra. The other fifth graders teased Cassie and whispered behind her back. One day, a boy, Thatcher Greyson, snapped Cassie’s bra strap and Cassie beat him up. The next day, Cassie was an outcast, with no one wanting to be her friend. Later that week, Lia decided to help Cassie out by sitting next to her at lunch and talking loudly with her. At recess, Lia walked up to Thatcher and convinced him to punch her in the face. After the incident, the other fifth grade girls decided Thatcher was the real bully and were kind to Cassie once again.

Lia thinks about how Cassie’s body will soon be buried in the ground. Lia thinks, “What about the rest of her, the real Cassie? I think she’s coming here” (42).

That night, Lia has trouble falling asleep. Lia imagines becoming covered in spider webs and Cassie visiting her in the middle of the night. Lia imagines, “Spiders hatch and crawl out of my belly button, hairy little tar beads with ballerina feet” (43). After Lia is trapped in spider webs, she imagines Cassie entering the room. Lia thinks, “One minute she’s by the door, the next, she stands over me. The temperature in the room has dropped twenty degrees. Her voice is in my head” (43). Lia imagines Cassie asking her to come with her. Lia thinks, “The web locks us into place, staring at each other as the moon slithers across the sky and the stars fall asleep” (43).

The next morning, Emma wakes Lia up. Lia tries to go back to sleep but suddenly remembers it’s Tuesday. Every Tuesday, Jennifer weighs Lia to make sure Lia’s weight hasn’t dropped to a dangerously low number. Lia gets up and quickly drinks water directly from the sink to bloat herself for the scale. In the kitchen, Lia positions her father’s dirty plate in front of her so it looks like she ate breakfast and drinks a cup of black coffee. Jennifer comes into the kitchen and reminds Lia to get ready to be weighed.

In her bedroom, Lia puts on a bathroom in which she has sewn quarters into the pockets. Lia meets Jennifer in the bathroom and steps on the scale, wearing the bathrobe. According to the scale, Lia weighs over 100 pounds, though Lia knows her true weight is much lower. Jennifer notes the weight in a small notebook. Afterward, Lia asks Jennifer if she can take Emma out for ice cream after school. Lia thinks, “Emma is plump. Plump, not husky, not heavy, not fat” (47) but knows that “Jennifer thinks that Emma is fat plump, but she doesn’t have the guts to say it” (47). Jennifer tells Lia no.

Jennifer tells Lia that Lia’s mother, whom Jennifer calls Chloe, wants Lia to spend the night that weekend, but Lia doesn’t want to go. Lia wishes she could ask Jennifer to take her to Cassie’s wake and wonders if she should call Cassie’s parents, but Lia decides not to ask Jennifer after all. Lia promises to call her mother back that afternoon.

Lia remembers how after she moved in with her father and Jennifer, her father bought her a new car to replace the one destroyed in the car crash. Lia uses the car to drive to school and give Emma rides. Lia also bought herself a digital scale, which she keeps hidden in her bedroom. Lia weighs herself and sees that she weighs 99 pounds. Lia’s first goal was to reach 99 pounds. Her next goal is to reach 95 pounds, and then 90 pounds. Lia knows, “If my docs knew, they’d bodyslam me back into treatment. There would be consequences and repercussions because (once again) I broke the rules about the perfect-size Lia” (52). Lia thinks about how she should be in recovery, taking the steps set up for her by her doctors. However, Lia believes that she feels stronger the less she weighs, and thinks, at 90 pounds, “[she] will soar” (53).

As Lia is about to head off to school, Lia sees the home voicemail machine blinking. Lia hits play to hear the new message. In the message, a man’s voice explains that he is looking for Lia. The man asks Lia to stop by the Gateway Motel and ask for Elijah. Lia doesn’t recognize the voice but replays the message several times. Then, Lia calls the school nurse and says she has an emergency appointment with her therapist and won’t be in school.