Wintergirls

“If my docs knew, they’d bodyslam me back into treatment. There would be consequences and repercussions because (once again) I broke the rules about the perfect sized Lia. I am supposed to be as big as they want. I am supposed to repeat my affirmations like incantations to drive the nasty voices out of my head. I am supposed to commit to recovery like a nun pledging body and soul in a convent.”

Even though Lia has been in and out of recovery twice, her eating disorder continues to worsen. Lia knows she must keep her habits of not eating and over-exercising a secret or she will be sent back to recovery. Her acknowledgement of what she knows she is supposed to do demonstrates her ability to hide her disorder, while telling the adults in her life what they want to hear.

“Talk = yell + scold + argue + demand.”

This quote illustrates Lia’s relationship with her parents. Lia struggles to communicate with her parents because difficult conversations most often lead to fights. This is one reason why Lia struggles to open up and trust her parents or to accept their help. She doesn’t feel they see her for who she really is, and that any attempts at a talk are just the opposite, where she is continually treated like a child for her mental health issues.

“Dr. Marrigan leaves an hour later, without bothering to come up and say good night or notice that I haven’t unpacked most of my boxes or see what a good almost-sister I can be.”

Dr. Marrigan, Lia’s mother, leaves Lia’s father’s house without noticing that Lia is spending time with her stepsister, Emma. Lia often calls her mother Dr. Marrigan to convey her resentment and detachment to her mother. She feels as though her mother is much more occupied with her job, and Lia identifies her through her profession first, commenting on how she feels her mother prioritizes her life. Lia feels ignored and wishes her mother would notice her good qualities—such as how much Lia loves Emma—and other personal details about Lia’s life rather than only focusing on what is going badly.

“I measure myself; I can’t act or play soccer, and most of them have better grades than me. Bit I am the thinnest girl in the room, hands down.”

At school, Lia is called into a meeting with a group of her classmates to discuss plans to honor Cassie’s passing. Lia can’t help but measure herself against the other girls in the room. Though Lia feels like she can’t live up to her classmates in terms of academics or extracurriculars, she feels pride in being the thinnest one in the room. In Lia’s mind, thinness is one thing she feels she can control and do well. This measurement feels like a win to Lia, who identifies first and foremost by how much she weighs and how small she is in comparison to those around her.

“I had figured out that my eyes were broken long before that. But that day I started to worry that the people in charge couldn’t see either.”

When Lia is staying at the hospital as an inpatient, focusing on recovery from her eating disorder, Lia learns to tell the doctors what they want to hear in order to expedite her release. Lia realizes how easy it is to lie to the doctors and to give them the impression that she is recovering, which ultimately makes her distrust doctors because they are unable to see beyond her lies and see that her disorder is ongoing. This also contributes to her numbness and apathy towards the adults in her life, as she doesn’t feel seen by any of them for who she truly is or for her struggles.

“I knew her a whole world. I knew her sleepovers and cookie sales and crushes on boybands and the time I broke my leg riding on the back of her bike and the time I helped her paint her room white after she painted it black without permission.”

This quote illustrates how close Cassie and Lia were to one another and serves to demonstrate how devastating the rift between the friends was for Lia. The passage also illustrates the unhealthy relationship between the girls as they lacked boundaries with one another and encouraged the worst in each other. Lia’s reflection on how much she knew Cassie illustrates how entwined Cassie was to Lia’s own identity and the damage it did to Lia when the friends began to grow apart.

“I totally supported her. I looked up the names of docs and clinics. I e-mailed her recovery Web sites. And I sabotaged every step.”

When Cassie expressed interest in getting help for her eating disorder, Lia told Cassie she supported her. However, Lia also made sure Cassie noticed how thin Lia became and talked about her own weight loss and calorie counts. After Cassie’s death, Lia feels guilty because she believes she played a role in encouraging Cassie’s eating disorder. This quote also serves to demonstrate another layer of toxicity in Lia’s friendship with Cassie.

“We know where I’m going to college. Do I want to go? No. What do I want? The answer to that question does not exist.”

Lia has trouble imagining a future for herself. Part of this is because Lia’s parents have already planned out her future for her: Lia is expected to attend the college where her father works as a professor. But this quote also illustrates Lia’s mental health status and suicidal tendencies because she doesn’t hope for or dream about the future.

“Cassie grows braver every night, coming sooner, staying longer, freaking me out more and more.”

After Cassie’s death, Cassie continues to haunt Lia, most often appearing in Lia’s room at night. Lia struggles to cope with Cassie’s death and feels guilty for not helping Cassie leading up to her death, and this is embodied by Lia’s hallucinations. Lia’s imaginings of Cassie’s ghost serve as mile markers of sorts for how quickly her mental health is degrading and serve to push Lia more and more to harmful thoughts about herself. The continued appearance of Cassie’s ghost also strengthens the unreliable narration that Lia provides during the novel.

“I’m not sure why his mood shifted. Maybe there’s something in the air of graveyards, it penetrates the skin and infects. Maybe that’s why I suddenly feel sick, too.”

Lia feels physically sick after attending Cassie’s funeral. Lia hoped the funeral would bring her closure, but even after the funeral Lia struggles to cope with Cassie’s death. Though Lia herself is suicidal and self-harms, she still cannot stomach death and the concrete finality of dying. Her body acknowledges this in its sickness, even if her mind will not, providing a tone of disconnect between Lia’s mental space versus her physical body.

“I’m sure she’s waiting for me in the family room, temperature at fifty-eight degrees, her lecture notes neatly arranged with my faults and mistakes listed in order of priority. She has charts to prove everything I do is wrong, and that my only hope is to allow them to insert her stem cells in my marrow so she can grow a new her dressed in my skin.”

Lia dreads visiting her mother because her mother often has strict plans and expectations for Lia. As a child, Lia’s mother was strict about Lia succeeding in school, attending a good college, and entering a prestigious career. When Lia was in recovery for her eating disorder, Lia’s mother became controlling as well, treating Lia as a patient and not like a daughter. This passage illustrates the anger and resentment Lia holds against her mother for her job and her criticism towards Lia.

“Listen to the whispers that curl into your head at night, calling you ugly and fat and stupid and bitch and whore and worst of all ‘a disappointment.’ Puke and starve and cut and drink because you don’t want to feel any of this. Puke and starve and cut and drink because you need ana anesthetic and it works. For a while. But then the anesthetic turns into poison and by then it’s too late because you are mainlining it now, straight into your soul. It is rotting you and you can’t stop.”

This quote offers some insight into why Lia (and Cassie) suffered so much from eating disorders and self-harm. Lia’s self-harm and anorexia are explained in this passage as a method of escape. These behaviors allowed Lia and Cassie to numb and ignore the insults in their heads and difficult parts of real life. However, as the negative and harmful self-talk continues, so did the behaviors to numb them, becoming routine that neither one could stop.

“Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care…”

Lia began to self-harm when she was 12 years old because of all the difficult changes happening in her life. That summer, Lia’s body began to change, Cassie became interested in other extracurriculars, and Lia’s parents filed for divorce. She explains that her self-harm was a way to focus on something other than the internal hurt she felt from her family’s dissolution, her anger towards her parents, and her anger towards her body for changing after puberty.

“People at school are saying that Cassie died of a heroin overdose. I’m not sure if I should tell the truth. Is it better to be known as the girl who died with a needle in her arm, or the girl who broke herself by puking too hard?”

Classmates at school speculate about the cause of Cassie’s death. Lia knows the truth—Cassie’s death was directly linked to her disorder, which involved bingeing and purging. Lia feels conflicted and discomforted by the rumors at school, and she illustrates the school’s lack of understanding of mental illness in this passage. The school’s lack of understanding also comes with a lack of knowledge; not many knew about Cassie’s bulimia, as she kept it a secret from many. The stigmatization of mental illness and even drug addiction is highlighted in this quotation as Lia’s peers whisper about Cassie’s death.

“I lift my arm out of the water. It’s a log. Put it back under and it blows up even bigger. People see the log and call it a twig. They yell at me because I can’t see what they see. Nobody can explain to me why my eyes work different than theirs. Nobody can make it stop.”

Lia knows that everyone around her sees her as extremely thin, but Lia can’t help but see herself as fat. Nevertheless, Lia is unable to stop herself from continuing to want to be thinner, even though she knows this seems irrational to other people. This quote offers some insight into what it is like to have an eating disorder for Lia and why it is so hard for her to stop her disorder eating habits of counting calories, faking healthier behaviors, taking laxatives, and more.

“I can’t remember what it’s like to eat without planning for it, charting the calories and the fat content and measuring my hips and thighs to see if I deserve it and usually deciding no, I don’t deserve it, so I bite my tongue until it bleeds and I wore my jaw shut with lies and excuses while a blind tapeworm wraps itself around my windpipe, snuffling and poking for a wet opening to my brain.”

Lia has been struggling from an eating disorder for so long that it is hard for her to imagine eating normally. This is one reason why recovery is so hard for Lia—she can’t easily switch back to eating without measuring herself or counting calories or fat content. It also illustrates how Lia holds onto her disorder out of fear of change and low self-esteem. The disordered eating seems like a perfect punishment for her, as she feels food must be deserved. This passage demonstrates how Lia weaponizes food towards herself as a justification for not eating.

“What am I afraid of? Why can’t I even want to get better? When am I me and how do I know that and who would I be if I did what they want? How did I get like this?”

Lia knows her eating habits and self-harm behaviors are hurting her, but they are difficult to stop because this is the only way Lia has known how to behave for so long. It is also scary to ask for professional help because she finds it hard to trust professionals. Lia worries about how much she might change if she puts her trust into professionals or makes an effort to get better. Change can be scary, especially as Lia struggles to figure out her own identity and sense of self.

“089.00. I could say I’m excited, but that would be a lie. The number doesn’t matter. If I got down to 070.00, I’d want to be 065.00. If I weighed 010.00, I wouldn’t be happy until I got down to 005.00. The only number that would ever be enough is 0. Zero pounds, zero life, size zero, double-zero, zero point. Zero in tennis is love. I finally get it.”

For weeks, Lia makes it a goal to lose enough weight that she weighs less than 90 pounds. However, once it happens, Lia knows she will just set a new, lower, target weight for herself. For Lia, it is not just about losing some weight; her eating habits are a disorder she can’t stop. This passage highlights the cyclical nature of Lia’s anorexia and her obsession with being as thin as possible. It demonstrates the levels of how deep her mental illness has grown and her own self-awareness.

“I failed eating, failed drinking, failed not cutting myself into shreds. Failed friendship. Failed sisterhood and daughterhood. Failed mirrors and scales and phone calls. Good thing I’m stable.”

Lia struggles from negative thoughts about herself, in combination with her eating disorder and self-harm. After her suicide attempt, Lia feels guilty once again for not being a good daughter or a good friend to Cassie, and feels especially guilty for hurting her stepsister Emma, who was the one to find her. This passage serves to show how Lia stigmatizes her own mental health and moralizes her actions, tearing herself apart when she doesn’t live up to the expectations of others while battling her anorexia and depression.

“Thinking about Emma makes me want to pull out my stitches with a pair of pliers. They should burn me at the stake for what I did to her. Set me adrift on an ice floe. I wish there was a way to make her forget what she saw, to wipe that memory clean. There’s not enough soap and bleach in the world.”

After Lia’s suicide attempt, Emma found Lia covered in blood. Lia feels extremely guilty for traumatizing Emma. Even though Lia struggles to connect with her parents and stepmother, she has a lot of love for Emma. This passage shows how Lia continues to demonize her own mental health journey, beating herself up for her younger stepsister’s discovery. This illustrates how deeply Lia is overtaken by her mind, and how much she cares for Emma as well. She continues to shame herself for her mental illness, using Emma’s discovery as another justification for her low self-worth.

“No way. Mom would have told me to cut the drama. Dad would have suggested I think about majoring in poetry, maybe plan on a PhD in Gothic. They never hear me; they can barely see me. I’m a doll that they’ve outgrown.”

Lia explains to her therapist that she’s never told her parents that Cassie comes to haunt her at night. This quote shows how Lia struggles to communicate with her parents and doesn’t feel like she can be honest with them about what she’s going through. She illustrates how her parents ignore her by focusing on their careers, chalking Lia up to a problem that needs to be resolved for their own convenience. This contributes to Lia’s angry tone and negative self-talk, as she doesn’t believe her parents even see her.

“I scared Dr. Parker. She can’t admit that my ghosts exist. If she did, it would destroy her version of real. If I’m right, then her ideas of trauma and behavioral modification and self-talk and closure are pretend. Fiction.”

After Lia tells Dr. Parker that she sees Cassie appearing to her, even though Cassie is dead, Dr. Parker suggests Lia might benefit from psychiatric care. Lia is frustrated Dr. Parker won’t admit Cassie is real. Lia continues to believe she sees Cassie and to distrust doctors, because, from Lia’s experience, they only want to hear certain, right answers. Lia’s revelation of her ghosts here, however, shows a willingness to vulnerability that hasn’t been present before. Lia’s fear of this revelation and what it might mean for her are very real, but she does it anyway, indicating her desperation and need for help.

“Oh, this is awesome, Lia. I never thought of trying this, of taking the best parts with me.”

Toward the end of the novel, Lia tells the version of Cassie that is haunting her to focus on her good memories of being alive. Focusing on the good helps Cassie fade and disappear. In this moment, Lia is finally starting to get some closure on Cassie’s death. Cassie’s revelation helps Lia to understand that she doesn’t want to die like Cassie and sparks her to stumble for help. She realizes she wants to be alive for the best parts, and this realization is symbolized through Cassie’s sea glass.