Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

Muriel and Audre take a course in contemporary American poetry, and Audre goes into therapy. Audre rarely speaks, mostly listening, and she and Muriel “communicated pretty much by intuition and unfinished sentences” (215). Audre enjoys her time at the library because she doesn’t have to talk unless she’s reading stories to children. Audre decides she wants to go back to college because she equates a degree with freedom. Money is tight, so for Thanksgiving they steal a bunch of food from a supermarket. Audre believes that as long as they need the food, they won’t get caught stealing. They only steal when they need to and never get caught.

Audre announces she’s going back to school. Audre and Muriel exchange presents on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas with their respective families. Audre does not tell her family about her relationship with Muriel, although they know she is Audre’s roommate: “my family only allowed themselves to know whatever it was they cared to know, and I did not push them as long as they left me alone” (216).

For New Year’s Eve, Audre and Muriel go to a wealthy white lesbian couple’s party, although Audre enjoys the parties at her black friends’ houses much more, finding them more lively and full of food. Audre quietly inspects books on shelves, while Muriel circulates effortlessly. Audre and Muriel leave the party shortly after midnight and wander through the streets; Audre feels very blessed to not be lonely and remembers it is their first anniversary. They go home and make love. Muriel makes food, and their friends come over and then leave. Audre and Muriel write, and when Audre looks at Muriel’s notebook, she finds a list of things she has done last year next to Muriel’s “NOTHING!” (219). Audre is heartbroken that Muriel is comparing their achievements and finding herself lacking.

Audre goes out to a lesbian bar, passing the bouncer who keeps out undesirables: “All too frequently, undesirable meant Black” (220). She feels like an outsider because she is frequently the only black woman in the bar. Audre feels the pressure of 1950s pretense that everything is okay, especially within the split between aggressive butches who might beat her up and their objectified femmes: “Role-playing reflected all the depreciating attitudes towards women which we loathed in straight society” (221). Many of the gay bars have free Sunday brunch, which she and Muriel go to. Being around other lesbians while enjoying a free meal is like finding family. Most gay bars failed within a year; during the summer, Muriel and Audre go from the gay beach to the bars to eat.

One day, Audre confronts a white lesbian acquaintance for her racist remark. The woman comments on Audre’s tan, joking, “’I didn’t know Negroes got tans’” (223). The woman’s girlfriend, nervous, keeps commenting on how beautiful Audre’s skin is, and Audre asks her why she keeps talking about it. Muriel laughs, but everyone else is silent. Audre reflects on how she longed for black lesbian companionship because many black lesbians were closeted or into heavy roles. Even these women, usually loaded with money and accompanied by a gorgeous femme, often couldn’t get into the bars simply because they were black. Being black forced you to be strong in order to survive. Racism and misogyny returned in full force after the end of World War II, and often the gay bars were the only place Audre felt like she could escape oppression, albeit relatively. More than anything, Audre feels different: “It was a while before we came to realize that our place was the very house of difference rather than the security of any one particular difference” (226). Often, this would lead black lesbians down a path of self-destruction, which, in Flee’s case, involved heroin.

In the spring of 1956, Audre has to stop therapy because she and Muriel run out of money. Muriel still cannot look for a job, which Audre begins to resent. Audre dreams that Muriel gets run over by a train and Audre cannot stop it. Muriel cannot sleep, reading and writing or going out drinking: “Sometimes I felt we were as lost to each other as if one of us were dead” (227). Muriel stops eating, living off beer and cigarettes. They run into Jill, an old friend from The Branded and someone whom Audre has always felt a mutual attraction, although both ignore it. Muriel, Audre, and Jill begin typing poems at Jill’s father’s office downtown.

Audre runs into Toni, another friend from high school, and they go out for a drink. Audre learns that Toni is gay, has her own car, and works as a registered nurse. Audre is impressed by her friend’s success. Toni starts hanging out with Muriel because Audre is in night school. Muriel asks Audre if she can sleep with Toni: “My stabs of jealousy were tempered by my lessening sense of guilt; for what, I could not say” (230). Audre remembers the disruption Lynn caused, as well as her mother’s crying when her father was out all night, but pushes these feelings down, believing that their love is forever. After incorporating Toni into their lives, Muriel seems to get better. Audre is enjoying school.

Audre wakes up one night to hear Jill and Muriel making love. She feels betrayed because she has unfinished history with Jill and they are in the next room. Audre is furious when she wakes up, but Muriel is not there. During a staff meeting at the library, Audre purposefully pours boiling water on her hand to try to take her mind off the emotional pain of Muriel and Jill. She goes to the doctor, and Muriel says nothing. Audre is embarrassed by her self-mutilation. Audre and Muriel never speak about Jill, who disappears, or about Audre’s accident.

Muriel has an affair with another woman who is also in a relationship. Audre knows she is slipping away but cannot seem to let her go; Muriel also cannot seem to leave: “We could destroy each other, but we could not move beyond our pain […]  love was no longer enough of an answer” (234). Audre yells at her, and Muriel is silent. Muriel falls in love with the woman, and Audre becomes depressed. Sometimes she walks in front of the other woman’s house with a knife, knowing Muriel is in there. Audre cannot accept that their life together is over. Muriel often does not come home for days, and Audre wanders the streets. Audre calls her mother, and Linda asks after Muriel. Audre gets dropped out of summer school due to attendance. When Toni teaches Audre how to swim underwater, she tells Audre Muriel’s not worth it because she’s crazy.

Marie calls, having escaped her husband’s white slavery ring, and Audre goes to visit her in Detroit. When Audre gets back, she finds that Muriel has half-painted the kitchen but left paint out which the starving kittens got into and died from. Audre buries them in the park. Muriel “had loved the kittens, and she’d let them die” (238).

In September, amidst the fervor of Elvis Presley, Audre gets on a bus to hear music swelling in her head which no one else hears: “The physical realities of the dingy bus slid away from me. I suddenly stood upon a hill in the center of an unknown country, hearing the sky fill with a new spelling of my name” (239).

Muriel slowly moves out of their apartment. One night, Audre comes home to find Muriel asleep amidst her semi-packed clothes. She wakes up and catches Audre staring at her, and Audre realizes that Muriel belongs to herself. Audre begins stopping by the bars, and often Audre finds Muriel drunk and crying in the corners of bars, reminding her of Eudora. Sometimes she puts her to bed but eventually she gets fed up and leaves Muriel in the bar. Muriel burns her journals and poems, leaving a mark on the apartment’s linoleum, before going back to Stamford and signing herself into the psychiatric ward where Toni worked.